WiselyXFiles

Training

2011-05-21T20:27:00.003+08:00

Another long drag after I last posted. Nothing much worth mentioning. My life is still the same, a straight horizontal line in a speed/time graph.

Yeah, I am still kicking alive. Mom told me months ago that I should start exercising. So I did. She said that I should take things slow, as I had not been doing any exercise for a long time. I pay heed to her advice, and follow her instructions.

She asked me to accompany her on long walks. During the routine, she asked me to do a variation of marching. "First step, you must train your legs." Mom said, "As your blood circulation is poor, doing this exercise will be a good start to improve circulation to your legs."

Invigorated with determination, I follow through. One month passed, Mom told me I had results. My swelling locating near the ankles had visible reduction of swelling. The skin had return from a faint shade of red to natural dark color. I am elated.

Mom told me I should practice calisthenics. I follow through. I focus on stretching my upper back and legs. Two weeks passed. My shoulders had lost its stiffness. For a long time, my back feel relax instead of the usual tension. My leg muscle seem to be strengthened. It will not exhaust easily.

However, there are no significant weight loss. So I ask Mom what should I do. She said, "You should work your abdomens. Do crunches with weights on your tummy. Start small, like 10kg. Do 20 times. And that is it for the day."

So, I just started on it. I will carry on forward towards my goal. Fat loss to 85kg.

My Army Life Intro

2010-10-12T10:03:00.010+08:00

After my graduation on May 2010, I was officially enlisted into National Service on 1st June. I recalled how unwilling I was to hand over my pink IC when I check into Kranji Camp III. Despite pressing hard on the card with my thumb and index, it was taken away swiftly by the smiling female executive who ushered me to my seat. As I made my way through the corridors; the hard walls enveloped me in darkness, signaling the start of my imprisonment; I finally stepped out to sunshine. I was a NSF (National Service Fulltime) in a span of twenty minutes.

I was the first batch of Pes E to go through the 1 month modified BMT. (Basic Military Training) There was no physical exercise of any sorts involved, and we are entitled the privilege to sit in air-conditioned lecture hall. My OC, Captain Phang, would start making his signature appearance by standing on stage with both fists at his hips, delivering his introductions in an enthusiastic and energetic manner.

Next, he would impart us the basic knowledge of military; from ranks to discipline, from medical benefits to security. Despite his efforts to create a more lively atmosphere, I always fell into deep slumber. I am impressed with his patience as he never did reprimand me harshly. Instead, he asked me to cooperate with him till the end of lecture. I tried, but as minutes passed, my eyelids felt as heavy as sandbags and eventually I succumb to the pleasure of dreamland. It was a torturous struggle. I experimented with various methods to stay awake, such as clasping my hands tightly and applying water to my eyelids. It proved to be a temporary measure. Whenever I fell asleep, my platoon sergeant would ask me to stand on the side of the hall. That did the job.

Life at HRI was exciting. We had joy, we had fun. I remember the times when the platoon is coming up with the cheer. I played a key role in it. From the start, I was to position at the back with the rest of my platoon mates at the front in three roles. When the song proceed to the chorus, the roles will split to both sides from the middle with a flurry of hands and 'welcoming' music. I will stride through the passage with the demeanor of a king till I reach the first role, and the roles will join back as before. We sang together cheerily, and with a tap on my back, I will imitate the King Kong and hit my chest repeatedly and end the cheer with a loud "ha".

For the sake of entertainment, I was to play the mascot. The reason was largely due to the bravado I displayed during lectures, which made me well-known among the platoons. I am glad I was relieved from the role in the revised version of cheer. The procession of passage was edited and the King Kong act was removed to much objection. (It was added back to the much persuasion of Amin, the founder of the act at the last minute)

Aside from lectures, we were taught to sing while marching, and respond to commands. Sometimes, we will watch movies in lecture halls or rooms. Our CO, Lieutenant Colonel Lim, was friendly and amiable. He told us to take pride in our jobs as we are all part of SAF. Regardless of rank or work, each individual will fulfill their own respective roles. In times of war, combative units relies on clerks as much as on other units. We, the clerks, had the power to kill with a pen. He added that if anyone did criticize our jobs, he will speak up for us.

During the last day, all personnel were present for the graduation ceremony. We were to showcase our final cheers, then we will received a certificate from LTC Lim and the Manpower insignia from Captain Phang. Platoon 2 was awarded the best platoon award, which consist of a medal made from a biscuit tin cover, followed by an assortment of tidbits. Each platoon member was distributed a fair share of junk food, which was gobbled down with much fun and laughter. The Sergeant Major turn a blind eye to most acts which would consider misappropriate on other days.

The Sergeant Major was strict and stern. He was the symbol of leadership and the embodiment of discipline. He would always present himself neat and proper to the smallest details, and remit the punishment according to the offense committed. He was a nice person and I respect him very much.

My platoon officer, 2nd Lieutenant Khairul, told me that I will be posted to Pasir Laba Camp. He reminded me to report at Pasir Laba the next day. Finally, the CO and OC gave their best regards to us. The graduation ceremony was officially ended at 1715hrs, which also mark the last moment we remained at HRI.

I met my platoon mates for the last gathering at Sakura Dhoby Ghaut. I had to leave by 2345hrs to catch the last train, as no one stay near CCK. Looking back, one month was pretty short. I was once again, back to counting from Day 1, my first day at Pasir Laba Camp, TRADOC. (1 year and 11 months more to ORD)

^Yay!!!! I Graduated!!!^

2010-04-02T10:20:00.002+08:00

On 1st April, I received a letter from school informing of my graduation. I had waited patiently for this day to receive this white envelope which contain together a paper and a booklet.

The paper read:

Dear Neo Guo Zhu Wesley

SINGAPORE POLYTECHNIC - 50th GRADUATION CEREMONY

Congratulations on passing your final examinations! Graduation sees the culmination of your hard work and marks the point where you leave SP to make your mark in the world.
Graduation day will be an opportunity to celebrate your achievements in SP with your family and friends, and to look back on the memorable times that you have spent with us. Many of our past graduates have found the graduation ceremony a memorable occasion. We hope that you too will find the celebrations enjoyable.

I am pleased to inform you that your graduation will be held at Singapore Polytechnic Convention Centre (located next to Dover MRT station) on Wednesday, 19 May 2010 at 9:30am.

Please register your Graduation Ceremony attendance by 15th April 2010, if you have not already done so. (Read page 10 of the enclosed booklet to find out how to register your attendance). Graduands who fail to indicate their attendance by 15th April 2010 will not have seats reserved for them and their guests.

Please read the enclosed Graduation Information Booklet. This booklet has been specially published to help you and your guests prepare for the graduation, and to help make this occasion a happy memory for years to come. Even if you are unable to attend the Graduation Ceremony, do not misplace the booklet as you will need to refer to it for instructions on how to collect your diploma and transcript from the Student Service Centre (@ Block T16, Level 2) from 26 May 2010.

We wish you a joyous graduation ceremony and every success in your future endeavours. Do remember to stay in touch with the Polytechnic after graduation and take an active role in our alumni networks.

Yours sincerely

Manager, Examinations Office
For Director, Academic Services

This better not be an April Fool's joke!

I had retain for 2 years. 2 years.. Those 2 years are etched in my mind as though it happen yesterday. I had no friends, but only troubles. I am so lonely; eating alone, doing things alone. No one to laugh with, no one to talk to. I cried when I fail my second FYP, thinking that I will be kicked out from school. I still remember the time when I hand in the final edited report to my 3rd FYP Supervisor Dr. Ong Fook Rhu. I felt relieved and was all smiles in my heart. I could see that Dr. Ong is also happy for me as I am able to pass this module. Even though I was graded C+ for this module (I still think I should get an A, I did put all my effort in it but at the last minute), it serve as a great experience and my report will be beneficial to SP students for many years to come.

FYP serve as a nightmare to me. My teammates outcast me, forsaken me, even though I tried to be a team player. I learn that I should take the initiative to work, to ask for work. I should put more effort to make things work, although it was very difficult for me to do so. I was all alone to deal with a major task in my hands. But now, it was all a bad dream.

You will not know how glad I was to receive this letter. I could smile from ear to ear, or the smile could extended around my head and touch my ears. Haha, I know I am exaggerating, but it was a very very big smile. But I have no one to share the joy with. No friends, no classmates. I am all alone again. All of them graduated years before.

I am still considering to attend the graduation ceremony. Mom told me that this occasion serve as a memory for many years to come, I can show the pictures to my children (so far fetch). Maybe I should go after all. I did work my butt off for this diploma, even though I procrastinate for too long.

If anyone who read this like to join me in this joyous occasion, please feel free to tell me, or give me a call. I will appreciate it.

Resume the Journey

2010-01-06T17:36:00.004+08:00

Everything had been going well for Tom. He had been living his life without a single worry, and without a care for anything other than himself.

Tom is 21 years old. A young man with a carefree lifestyle. He thought he is contented, and slowly, he lost interest in his studies. He had no dreams, no goals, no motivation.

During the morning, Tom will have a cup of coffee and two pieces of toast for breakfast. After his classes, he will play a few game of chess with his friends. Later, he will spend his remaining time on comics and computer games at home.

He decided to hold onto this lifestyle as long as possible, maybe forever.

Tom did not have a lot of friends. He did participate in club activities at school and knew some of them. One of his friends, John, came to know of his lifestyle and ask him to go for a learning course for a change. Tom politely refused the suggestion.

"I do not have much interest in it." replied Tom. "But one should always improve himself by learning new things. Or else where is the purpose of living?" said John. With a shrug of his shoulders, Tom replied in a lazy tone, "Yeah, whatever. I will consider it."

Tom told himself it is meaningless to put effort in learning. And just like this one, he lose many opportunities. But Tom didn't care. He just cannot be bothered.

A few years passed. One day, Tom met John in a cafe. They chatted for some time, reminiscing on the past times and doing some catching up. John is currently studying for his MBA at a foreign university in Canada. He had just return home to visit his parents and friends.

"Do you still remember Chris?" asked John, while taking a sip at his Espresso coffee. "Yea, I do. He is the guy with a hobby of collecting GUNDAM models, isn't it?" John chuckled a little, and said, "That's right. I just met him a few days ago. Anyway, he told me he is not collecting GUNDAM models anymore. He is currently working as a manager at a well established company, Xenon."

"I see." remarked Tom.

"Do you still remember Jane? The bespectacled girl with a weird hairstyle.. I was utterly shocked when I met her at a group gathering. She turn into a beauty babe! Can you believe it? No guys want to date her last time, but now all of them are flocking to her like bees to honey. I heard she is working as a model.."

"And how about Albert? Peter.. Jasmine.." rattled John on and on.

All the while, Tom was listening quietly while drinking his tea. He had not improve much after all these years. He had dropped out from school, and is currently working as a clerk. With a mearge sum to accommodate himself, he started to regret for not putting his effort in his studies.

"I must have bore you with my rattling." said John. "Yep, so how are you?" John finally asked.

After listening so much about others' prospects, Tom felt ashamed of himself. He is speechless, and for a long while, he did not utter a single word.

"Tom?" Tom looked up. John was looking straight at him. He return his gaze back to his cup of tea, staring at his own reflection.

"I knew about you." remarked John. "You are just like back in the old days, aren't you? I know it hurts your pride for saying this, but you still can.."

That is enough!" retorted Tom. "Stop your acting, John. All of you are doing so well, why should you be bothered about the likes of me?"

"But.." stammered John. "I am leaving. See you again." Tom rose from his seat and begin to walk out the cafe.

He felt a pull at his shoulders. He turned around and saw John. He felt red on his face, and tears well up in his eyes. He felt complicated. A mixture of feelings; regret, resentment and others filled his emotions. A flood of memories flash across his mind. He saw the time when John asked him to go for the learning course. Tom bit his lips, and the tears of regret flow down his cheeks.

John said, "I had told you since a few years back. If you had really put in effort, you will be as well off as any of us. If you really did work hard... but no matter how much I tried to persuade you, you never listen.. why?"

The grip on Tom's shoulders tighten. Tom wanted to pull away, but he could not even move a step. Tom stood motionless, drowning in the torrent of complex emotions. He thought if there was a second chance, he will turn a new leaf. He wish to go back to his past, and correct his immaturity.

His surroundings began to fade into a blur. In that moment, Tom prayed with all his heart to any higher powers who will grant his wish. "Please." He plead in deep desperation.

Suddenly he was shrouded in blinding white light. He felt a pull, like a suction force on his back. He felt light, as though one thin air. He could not felt John's grip anymore.

Tom lifted his eyelids. He was lying on his bed. He got up, and felt like everything is a realistic dream. From the corner of his eyes, he saw a book on his desk opened to the last page.

A paragraph was written. "If you have a second chance in life, what would you do?"

Just Do It.

2009-12-05T01:53:00.002+08:00

Just Do It. Learn to Change. Change for Better. Read for Mastery. Master your Goals. Goals to Success. Success to Achievement. Achievement to Fulfillment. Fulfillment for Happiness. Just Do It.

Cloud~ Cloud~

2009-09-30T21:18:00.002+08:00

I had been alone for these past few weeks. I had been swinging around my soft toys as usual, reading more on bio-mechanics and muscle training. I spend my time doing things I always yearn to do, and yet as days pass, I am feeling as lonely as ever.

I had been exterminating my laziness fervently. I had planned a three month period to lose fat, however I grew more doubtful of my progress each time I went into the gym. I wonder if I am on the right track, and whether my attitude is serious enough. I am in dire need of professional help, but who could I ask? What I could have done is to get my ass over to the gym three times a week, completing a full body workout to build up my fitness. And that is what I did.

I seen others, including people my age who got a life. Getting into relationships, working in society. Browsing through those pictures at face book, at least they look happy. They enjoy life, at least seems to, yet I am dissatisfied with mine. I wonder why?

Mom told me to broaden my perspective, and should think on developing my future. I agree on that, and thought I should work just as hard. After spending some moment with myself to arrange my thoughts, I found that I lack nothing. I had everything I need, there is no major stuffs I desire.

In other words, I am missing a few screws to the near-complete structure and I will be as splendid as anyone out there. Honestly, I simply chose to be what I am. Ah!!!! Frustrations! How could I have done better before??? Lamentations!!! How much more am I suppose to do with it? Wisdom!!! I need more experience... Disappointment!!! With?

Rub-squash! A teenager's worry is simply financial limitation, and personal perspective to enjoy life in his own way. Analysis!! Tear it down and implement it. Good day!! Farewell...

Exercise is good

2009-07-15T14:30:00.003+08:00

There is a famous idiom saying "A thousand miles journey begin with a single step". I am pleased to say that I had began my first step, and will continue walking to my goal: Fat Loss. It seem to be one far stride, a task that could not be accomplished in a day or two. Instead it requires faith, confidence and regular control to make it succeed.

I have been swimming for 3 times per week. The reason behind it is to build up my stamina to prepare my body for HIIT (High Intensive Interval Training). I am going to organise my training schedule to make it more efficient and realistic. I found that it is very necessary to do sports. Everyone really should exercise regularly. The doctor recommended that an individual should exercise 2 times per week, it is a task accomplished by anyone. I suggest that one can plan an exercise session in those periods of time when you are free, maybe during the evening.

Swimming is a low tension sport and is considered very good cardio since it is able to improve your metabolism rate and body stamina. It require the utilisation of both arms and legs, so one can strengthen the muscles of these body parts. However, if you are targeting to lose the belly fat, running will be the best option.

I found that my body do heat up easily, a sign for improve blood circulation. Honestly, in my humble opinion, doing sports is beneficial in the long run with consistencies. It is actually more of a decision than a choice. I decided to give up the lamentation and go for regular sports to improve my body fitness. I wish for everyone well being and good progression.

Good Luck, Wesley Neo

2009-06-21T08:43:00.004+08:00

I am feeling rather lonely these days. I had not been doing anything other than engrossing myself in dreamy thoughts. I could not focus on my goals, thus drifting around like a lost soul. My tummy is growing each day, I may look like two months pregnant by now. I am moving on aimlessly, doubtful of my own future and losing my directions, I am in dire need of a guide. Who or what shall be my lighthouse?

The nights are warm, I was tossing about on bed while having strange dreams. Several of them were filled with monsters which were quite scary but at the same time, I found them interesting enough. I am desperately memorizing those dreams so I could write about them, to plot out a story. Who knows, it might be a bestseller. Every now and then, I had been clutching onto an inspiration, with no fixed aspiration. My life is so cheap, I lack the motivation to fill it up and make it more valuable and worthwhile.

My friends told me that I am not stupid. I do read lots and yet it was useless if I could not apply them. My mother told me I do not lose out to other people's son in terms of potential, only if I would muster the extra effort in what I do.

I am always giving excuses. I am aware that one excuse lead to another, the work never get accomplished and the excuse never end. Time and tide wait for no man, and when the deadline was near, I am as busy as a bee while worrying and blaming myself for not finishing work earlier.

I receive encouragement from my friends to focus on what I want to do. I thought of getting a girlfriend, yet I desire to lose weight before that. It is tough to tackle a problem that had been on you since young, as it is easier to go along with the habits which made me now. I feel uneasy, as I had matters on hand which I had no confidence to complete. For instance, my Final Year Project. I feared I might not pass it this semester again.

This is my third time taking my F Y P, it is the first time I am doing it alone since I am unable to form a team. I really do not wish to fail as it is my last chance, and I will do my best to pass it. I really want to graduate. I am sick of the school. I do not attend classes anymore as I had completed all my modules, never met any new classmates, or listen to lectures. I do not have much friends in school as I was not outgoing, or rather the people I knew had graduated.

I want to change my life better. There are so many things that I can do if I want to. Step by step, and reach my goal. I received a letter from the army that my cholesterol level is too high, I was required to exercise and had a proper diet. The letter said that I should visit a polyclinic for advice. A report I had read some time ago stated that a high percentage of lipid in blood will result in low metabolism, slow reaction, low brain activity, easy tired out followed by a list of diseases that are related to obesity. It is time for me to fulfill my dreams.

If life is a cliff, and everyone is to climb it, how long will it take you to reach the top? If you slip off by a small mistake, will anyone lend you a helping hand to get you back again? If you are reluctant to move on, and stay by the same spot, will it change anything? I had been asking myself continuously over these questions these past few weeks.

Thomas Edison said that giving up is the worst excuse. Although the destination seem far, who knows you might be already halfway through. An inspiring analogy from this marvelous inventor was his arduous process of inventing a light bulb. Thomas Edison said he found two thousand ways to make a light bulb, but found one way to make it work.

Being a hard worker, Edison had acquired the strong spirit to succeed and realize his goals and dreams. He forgone sleep and spend his entire time in the laboratory. He work continuously for at least three days to a week, after resting for a few hours and resume on his experiments. During Edison's birthday in his late seventies, he told most of his acquaintances and friends that he had live more than his age, presumably over a hundred.

If life is all about falling, then it will be natural to get up again. The process of mastery is inevitable for everyone, learn and re-learn. When you had reach the peak, it will be crucial point of mastery. You will need to jump down from the cliff, and become a master. Although I do not quite understand it, but it make sense to me.

Sigh~ Why am I always giving myself a prep talk when I am so discouraged? Browsing my previous posts, most of them had a negative tone. I had been lying to myself all the time, running away from everything, not even had the thought to muster one bit of courage to score a goal, not even had the determination to move along.

These eyes that had been born with me, together with my mind, had darken and gone blind. Even though I had reach the point of realization, but do not have the energy to maintain the fruits of wisdom. Despite the moment every possible outcomes from non productivity slap hard on my face, will I truly wake up from tasting the bitter sorrow and desperation of helplessness? Or is it the stubborn refusal to open my eye to look at myself and the world? Or is it the heart had degrade and rotten to a state that I had chosen to fall despite possessing the power to proceed?

When will I stop looking at others, listening about their successes, feeling envious and later remorseful about my own uselessness? How should I make full use of my time, so that instead of lamenting, I will proceed with smiles? When did I became so uncaring, despite knowing that there will be people looking at me, waiting for me to mature? When did I turn out to be a self-made failure, disappointing others again and again with my laziness?

Walk. I will be the inspiration. I will be the dreams. Place effort in right places, and tomorrow will be a better place. This is dedicated to Wesley Neo, by Wesley Neo, with best wishes and good will to fulfill on whatever he desire to, allowing others to be his inspiration and motivation, and being that inspiration and motivation himself.

Confessions II

2009-03-31T06:23:00.003+08:00

God, I do not desire fame. Fame is like a double edged sword, it can raise your reputation, lifting you to greater heights for a better view; or it may crush you to the deep abyss. A fine example is Edison Chen, whom is well known due to his infidelity. He was struggling to gain the status he used to had, but in my opinion it will take a longer time than expected.

I viewed Fame as a form of poison, as it might as well be the amount of people who will judge you according to your actions. It is vital for everyone to keep a low profile. If I was given a choice, I will not consider the entertainment industry as a future option, as I lacked the necessary self esteem and confidence, as well as the inability to deal with critics in my current state.

The society prove to be challenging for those who are sheltered and well-fed, and one should be more demanding in regards to personal expectations. Equanimity is important as it aids greatly in facing challenges in a calm and composed manner. A fine example would be the American president, Mr. Barack Obama who is leading a reform to create a better America.

God, I am unwilling to step out of my comfortable pampered life as it is easier to feed by a golden spoon. I realised that life is meant to make changes, or life will lose its very own purpose. To learn and discover new things, to make changes external or internal, the joy and experience reap is fruitful and irreplaceable. I had always run away, living in the past, lamenting at my own uselessness. I had always spoken empty words, unable to take a step backwards to look better at my wall. A man only can accomplish just so much, but it is important to be at your best as every effort will not gone to waste.

God, I do not wish to hate. Hate is no more than wasting time and energy on unfruitful purposes. It bring you no good harvest than cornering yourself in a suffocating pressure that drive you mad. I feel that everyone should have a broader perspective. Although it is human to hate, however as inconstant as feelings are, it will not be that way forever. You will realise there is a need to put behind the hatred and move forward. Life shall continue as usual.

God, I do not blame my past self of the inability to make changes. In fact, I am unable to, no matter how much advise I was given. I am happy with what I am now, as I reached the moment to change at last. I had struggled for years, searching in the darkness, and had finally seen light. Now I am able to take a good look at myself, and make the necessary changes.

God, the true inner peace does not lie in Heaven. One do not seek outside, but from within. Restrain, forgive, letting go may be mere words, or wise instructions. I am too young to be contented, and should bath in glory before I did so. I wish to shine in my own dazzling manner, and create a brand new me. The excitement from the thought of it is giving me a heart attack. Exaggerating a little..

God, love is great. Love is encompassing, beautiful and unconditional. I love Love. To love is a gift that every human should cherish. Alas, many people are subdue by their own negatives. A loving person is like the warm rays of sunshine, bringing light and hope to others. He is like a lighthouse in the middle of darkness, directing people who are lost to their right path. True love is priceless, it is hard to obtain and difficult to cultivate. It is a miracle, to love. I aim to be such a person, as I feel that it will make the world a better place.

God, laziness do you no good. If you are there, please help. Stop watching. I am sure, there are numerous people who need you. Sometimes, I wonder do I inherit this particular trait from you, as humans are created from your own image. Living in the urban city, convenience allows necessities at reach may give the impression that life is like a breeze. People do not realise important lessons, that we should always cherish what we have at hand.

Quarrels, conflict. A bleary eye individual ordering roti prata. Fatigue draws away the patience and energy. A pail of water from the river reminds you every drop comes from your own effort, every thread of your shirt resemble fragments of warm and protection, but was replaced with a wad of bill. No matter where we live, we are part of Nature, that is why we do things naturally. We eat from nature, drink from nature, independent on nature. A grain of rice symbolise the hard work a farmer put in while he plough the land. We live on each other, dependent on each other, why should we not love each other?

God, do I tire you with my ABC's of life? I can see the moss growing out of your ears. Do not fret, there is the invention call the ear pick. Ear picking is one of my favourite past time, and I gladly share it with you. The hobby, not the ear pick. Wisdom is important as it guides our life, as though rafting on a wide river. You need long pieces of wood, and bind them together with strong, reliable threads to produce a serviceable raft. Likewise, you need knowledge, experience, realisation to cultivate wisdom. You will not drown when facing unforeseen circumstances, always able to keep your head above water relaxingly. The funny thing is, wisdom proved to be more profound, there is something call the ship.

God, basics are important. Sometimes, I wonder if I should thank you for being on Earth. I wonder what is the basic of the universal greatness. Do you do what man did, or something entirely different daily? Maybe you are laying on posh, lush grasses which are smoother than silk, softer than my pillow, cuter than my Pikachu. A sensation so enjoyable and comforting that brought envy from some, with a soft wind carrying a tinge of fragrance a cross between Chanel and Dior. With a snap of fingers, a duo combination of cello and violin could be heard. The alluring and mesmerizing Canon. It sounds too good to be true. I could not emphasize as much as I supposed on the importance of basics.

I am feeling a little sore, and shall pester you to lend a listening ear next time. See you.

Confessions I

2009-03-20T10:20:00.005+08:00

God, I got a confession to make. Although I am no Christian, with a different set of beliefs apart your teachings, yet I plead with you to listen to me.

I am bothered by my past. I had recalled a period of memory which I had sealed deep within my mind. It was a painful recollection, as it consist of experiences that I do not wish to remember. When I was facing this emotional crisis, I had made a choice whether to face the music, or making a strategic escape that meant for losers. I chose the latter.

I had carefully ponder my decision, but due to the amount of stress that had been building up, with all the weird stares and harsh comments I received, I snapped. Dangerous thoughts occurred in my mind. I am on the verge of emotional breakdown. I almost committed suicide. I was engulf in a state of confusion, unable to access the situation in a systematic manner.

God, when I had finally recalled everything, I was filled with a mixture of deep emotions. Shame, Fear, Fury, Joy, Disappointment.. One moment I am burning with ferocious anger, the next I am in a state of dilemma. I will smile while tears rolled down my eyes, and bit my lip in remorse and disappointment. The lost memories cause a flood of complex emotions which I cannot fully described. I realised how weak-willed I am, yet I am unable to deal much about it.

God, I did not practise my speech well. I did hurt myself, and hurt others in the process. I said a couple of things mindlessly, although they can be pass as humour, but I grieve at my lack of control. I did not cultivate myself to the fullest extent, partly due to my lack of effort. but also due to another factor. I shall come to that later.

God, I punched a couple of people at school. I think I had made the right decision, although I am feeling a little guilty about it. My classmates had applied their saliva and mucus on my wallet which I had pass to a lecturer. Apparently, the lecturer had joined in the fun. I rubbed my eyes with my contaminated hands accidentally, and began to itch like crazy. A few of my classmates was snickering, some even laughing at my precarious plight. The expression that the lecturer wore as though he was trying to contain his laughter. They might perceive this as a joke, but not to me. I explode in a rage. Some of them have the nerve to challenge my fury, and got hit down instead. Evilness felt so good.

God, I am a good natured person, but I am no pushover. Sometimes, I cannot comprehend your actions. The Bible had spoke of you as a forgiving and merciful lord. You taken in numerous sinful fellows as your children, welcoming them in open arms. But among sinners as myself, I could not be as forgiving as you be. Pardon me, God, for magnanimosity is a choice, as misguided forgiveness lead to suffering.

God, the world is never fair. You may be the original creator, but you do not create sandwich. Likewise, you did created Adam and Eve, but you do not create me. The world is no longer the world you first created, and you may have forsaken all of us. We may be your creations, but you do not create sinners. In your anger, you sent the Great Flood which drowned the world for forty days. You instructed Noah to build an Ark and wiped out all existence. But do you not see, the evil in Noah himself?

God, evil exist in us all. You are not almighty, for you had limitations to your power. Listen to those pleas, and how many have you answered them? It comes to all of us need to do something in order to survive. We should work for miracles, instead of hoping for them. If a man tried his hardest, he shall be rewarded as he deserved.

God, if I faced some unforeseen circumstances, what should I do? Deal with it in a flexible way is the best, but what if you are unable to? For instance, I always knew my father was horrible, but not that horrible. He commit ed unspeakable act to my mother and I. He deserved severe punishment, and it was too much to be forgiven. He desired for what I owned, to make everything of mine to his benefits. He resorted to dark magic that shall cost my life in order to collect the insurance. I am burning with hatred and pure anger, the negative emotions devoured my heart and soul.

My father was a facade throughout my life. I never really knew him. When I soon realised his true character, I was already twenty years old. God, if Hell do exist, he shall burn in that eternal flame, tormented until his sins are ridden. I consulted a teacher and asked for his advice. He told me to forget about it and continue with life. He said I will not benefit by hating, but will generate more bad kamma if I persist.

God, may I wish for world peace and happiness aplenty in the hearts of all sentient beings. Let the hatred be neutralise with love. Although there are more to be told, but that shall leave for later.

Random Post of the Day

2009-03-13T18:13:00.002+08:00

Blue skies. Red skies. Green skies. Black skies. The skies are filled with the usual mixture of colors that are filling with my every words you are looking at, which are pure rubbish.

There are no such skies. Only a single common color that occur usually through day and night. Accompanied by the Sun and Moon respectively, these natural occurences are so noticeable and ignored.

Surprisingly, this blog contained such a deep content to some of you, or just crap to others. Some just shrug their shoulders and drop this as nothing, or scratch your head in confusion.

Stroking my pet Pikachu in random motions, drawing that familiar scent for four years, it was no longer the original, yet it drew a deep longing as time pass.

I am just writing in random with an empty head, but still in good basic english which most of you can understand unless you are still in grade school.

My exercise regime isnt go as well as I thought to be. I am going to start gym soon.

Looking at my piteable penniless pocket, I realised I am broke. A job is most appreciated, but first I need to get my weight down.

Musclehead may be my physical teacher, but my heart is in a mess. I had forsake meditation practices and am picking myself right from beginning.

Going out with friends isnt as interesting as it used to be, and I am too bored but to follow whatever goals I had set previously.

I am no longer in a healthy state. Time to get some life, take the butt from the coach and start running like Forest Gump.

Who is that guy over there browsing at porno and porn sites? With that tiny wee-wee doing at its best but exhausted state, I advise you to give it up and look for a girlfriend.

Oh what is this? A mild viagra that work best if taken with another viagra? It is a rip off, yet fools are getting taken and paying big bucks for it. Skeptical ain't you? Why wont you try it and you might gain an erection for two days.

Ah~ old man. This may be just your book. A good ol' Kammasutra I found at this dusty bookstore on sale. No thanks for it, unless you are buying a bottle of this viagra I got on hand? No?

Enough with fooling around. When are you tired, just come home.

(Just a random post. Have a life if you find this boring. Or laugh all you want. Just a "post of the day")

Plan Execution

2009-02-27T05:34:00.005+08:00

It is the start of my holidays, and I began to lanch the fat-loss plan which I had planned so many months ago. I had just started to brief through the information on fat-loss and muscle building, which I will implement through a period of two months.

I would like to see good results in my first ever body transformation. It was so exciting. Finally I am able to shape up my life, and carve out something I had yearn for so long, rather than delaying it next time. If there is a next, there will always be a next.

If this plan had ever succeed, which I will make sure it will, I will experience a whole new life which I never had the chance to experience before. Everything will be better, and I will be more discipline with myself. Hopefully, I will be more mature and build up my self esteem.

Everything which I desire to achieve will be implemented. I can't wait. The goals I had set, the skills I will acquired, the success I will taste. It is just like the kind of excitement when a child was given his first taste of sweets and yearning for more. The thirst of cultivation, the desire to success which will start to put dreams into reality by taking action.... Oh Wesley, how much had I waited for you to make this decision today. YOU have no excuse! The conditions are too much perfect for an opportunity to be missed, and will never come again.. at least not for a while.

Walk forward Wesley~ With the courage of a lion, strength of a warrior, create your path! Bring down what you had always dream and settled onto something more realistic. You have nothing to lose! Go~ Go~ I shall be the witness to your successes... your friends, your relatives, they shall watch over you..

Your plans shall not be futile, other than being fit, never shall you neglect your cultivation in Dharma practices. If you ever felt the strong hatred, recollect in the numerous great merits of the Buddha, and you shall be rid of it soon enough~

May the Good Speed lies with you~!

Hatred, Forgiveness

2009-01-24T20:28:00.003+08:00

I decided to keep this short.

I am a living zombie. A zombie full of animosity, unwilling to discover my own's potential. I had a hard time forgiving people who had offended me greatly. Negative past brought more negative emotions, I enraged to a series of hateful curses. I punch the air with my fist, drawing adrenaline and exploded it into fits of strong emotions.

A violent child.

I develop a strong hatred to this person. I hate him with all my might. If I had a blade in hand, I will stab him countless time, and that will not ease a bit of my hatred. Everytime I think about him, I will go berserk and punch the wall. I cannot forgive him. He had step across the line, breaking every mental barrier I had created to prevent me from going crazy.

But luckily, I had created an antidote in a lapse of time. It is an all-out, no reserved thrashing session. I voiced my deep feelings and told him directly how much I had hated him.

I hate you to the core.

That's what I said. I muster my every effort to convey my negative emotions to him. I did this a couple of times, while he stood there silently listening. After it ended, I told him that I do not hate him as much as before, but nevertheless, I dislike him.

It is so hard to forgive someone. This is what I told myself afterwards: Go do something you like. Lead a happy life. You are so unhappy, it is as though you never smile before in your entire life. Soothe the pain you gain from hurting yourself by seeking salvation from other things or people. Go~ and attain your own "perfection".

Do not commit acts that result in animosity from oneself or others. You might forget about it, but other people will remember it for a long time down the road. Smile, and be happy. At least, try to be more friendly.

心安静和

2009-01-15T14:16:00.006+08:00

在生活上，人们会培养许多优劣习惯，渐渐变成习性而影响个人的生活方式。由于多数人易屈服于不良之气，导致个人生活水平和素质差，或处于无产阶级中。比如，懒惰是可怕的精神腐蚀剂。

每个人都拥有懒散的心态，心理学家称此为一种仰制因子，因为懒散的习惯导致个人无法专著，令人感到气馁沮丧，并且不能达成目标或处理日常事务，阻止成功以及扰乱心理的和谐。理论上，任何生物是身，心，神（Body, Mind, Soul) 所组成。身是生物体的外壳，包容着心神。心是意念和心思。神是心灵上的精气，举例来说便是身与心的电池，维持着身心的操作及成长过程。

以某种意义而言，心理因子（psychological factor）没有好坏之分。任何人在最初（婴儿）时期便达成了一定的和谐制度，能说是以生俱来的。这许多因子的优劣之分是由情况而定。

根据生物学言道，任何生物缺少不得食物，空气及水的需要。这三者是维持身体的操作系统及成长的必需品，因此无论飞禽或走兽必须寻找食物与水的来源，否则面临死亡。人类在智慧及进化方面已超越其他动物，并且扩大知识寻找秘方来提高自己的生活素质。

由于高科技术的发展，引向方便设施的大众化，导致人们生活素质提升。社会发达带动人们的生活方式，使潮流繁忙，金钱已成不可或缺的主要需求。换句话说，金钱取代了生活必需品，人们必须付出更多的劳力，精神力来挣钱。由此而论，现代人为金钱烦恼，导致生活压力提升，心理负面的因子（unwholesome psychological factors）同样的随之而长。负面因子是我们心灵的枷锁和黑暗，是成功的障碍；比如：自私 (Selfish) ，消极 (Demoralize) ，悲观主义 (Pessimistic) ，懒散 (Laziness) 的心态等等。。

由我个人观点而论：每个人都有一定的心理和谐制度 (psychological state of balance)，也就是正与负面因子的平衡。若负面因子提升，须以正面因子调谐，否则会感到忧郁不安，不自在；严重情况会导致精神分裂，发疯等。由此可见，正面因子是非常重要的，因为它能帮助启发个人的潜能，能令我们更深入了解自己，得到心灵上的解脱，也是带领个人走向成功道路的桥梁；例如：乐观 (Optimistic) ，决心 (Determination) ，勇气 (Courage) ，爱心 (Love) ，信念 (Faith) ，信心 (Confidence)等等。。

生活在这潮流繁忙的社会里，我们的心在无间断的思考，无法得到心灵上的安宁而导致混乱，并且制造许多无谓的压力，再以情绪来发泄。这能解释为何现代人都比较急躁，无耐性；因此我们都必须学习如何正确的培养正面因子，这样才能对我们的生活做出理想的改变，人生也比较充足，比较快乐。

前言道：懒惰是可怕的精神腐蚀剂。为什么呢？懒惰令我们不愿做任何事情，爱睡觉，不想更进一步的对自己做出改善，无法用心专著处理日常事务，导致心灵素质（Quality of Mind）江河日下，容易自暴自弃。懒惰能让人胡思乱想，破坏脆弱的心理和谐制度，自以为是，学习态度差，容易烦躁等等。在这社会中，懒惰是不可多得的，任何人必须尽力以正面因子消除；例如：慷慨（Generous），好学（Studious），友善（Friendly），亲切（Warm）；树立理想目标，多往外活动。

乐观想法能令人往快乐的一面看，这能减少挫折的冲击力以及得到心灵上的安慰。但是，过于乐观能让人看待事情过于简单，不谨慎行事。这倒是失败常见的例子，由此而论，所称为“正面”因子是以情况而定，而过于正面的心态会成为成功道路上的绊脚石。最重要的是我们必须了解自己，比如性格，脾气，习惯等等，再进一步探查起因。当我们了解自己，才能做出相对的改变，必须常常自励自己往目标前进，成功并不是一两天的事。

了解自己的法门在于：心安（Peace），心静（Stillness），心和（Harmony）。无论行，住，坐，卧都得尽量注意及检讨自己的言行举止，这样才能提高个人修养，得到心灵上的满足与快乐。

我们不必畏惧失败。古人言：失败是成功之母。任何人必须经历许多失败达到成功，重点是别轻易放弃，别气馁，乐观些，勇敢些。若想哭，哭吧！若想爱，爱吧！若想关心，关心吧！人生在世数十年，若过虑过多，根本无法达成目标。若你承受不了压力时，深深吸几口气，或找个安静的地方整理情绪，或打坐等等。当你感到沉重时，休息吧！别急躁，记住：心须安，心须静，心须和。心安静和。。

Goals 1

2009-01-15T00:05:00.003+08:00

I wonder if anyone had experience a blockage of words while writing. It can be describe as an inability to express oneself through words fully. It might due to the constraint of words known, or/and unable to characterize in short, well-chosen words.

The solution is to broaden one's dictionary by reading avidly and check for the meaning of newfound words and terms, in addition to writing regularly. We must not feel contented easily but continually seek for greater heights. We need goals to constantly motivate us, putting desire into action to gain the fulfilment in life.

As the saying goes "Stagnant water stinks", it is the same when its applied to humans. If we do not improve ourselves, we will be lagging behind or even deprove as we watch other people successes in frustration. We should set realistic long-term goals and acted accordingly to instructions patiently, as satisfactory results are not gained in a day or two.

I hereby set the following goals which I am dying to achieve:

Do more dana.
Get fit.
Be a useful and better person.
Be a good writer.

I realised that by answering to my laziness, these goals are never to be attained. Thus, after graduation, I shall step toward the change in my life.

2008-12-22T19:29:00.003+08:00

I often ponder on how to start my blog posts, but whenever my mind is in a blank, I gave up the idea and rather go along with the flow of my thoughts. Rather than squishing my every brain cells for some inspiration, writing randomly will produce something at the end.

I had been reading avidly these days, with nothing much to do other than stuck up with my Final Year Project Report. It is highly possible that I might not graduate with a Diploma, since I had not receive much support from my team members. There is not much team coordination, I felt that I was on my own. I was further discouraged knowing that my friends had completed their Final Year Project, while there is no progress with mine.

Looking back on how I study would end me drowning in negative thoughts. Thoughts that will bring me to the lowest of my spirits, unable to see the solution to my problems.

However undesirable the situation is to me, I continued walking down the memory lane. I had laid on bed with loads of flashbacks, or hallucinations. I couldn't tell which is which, and was growing confused every moment. I asked my mother to clarify my doubts.

"Mom, was I bitten by the white tiger before?" The reply was negative. I was told that I had too much free time in my hands and trying to start a sorry excuse to see the psychologist. For what reason I would end myself wound up haywire, driving myself mentally to the corners of the wall? (if there are walls in your mind) I went out with my friends, despite being at my very worst. I was unable to focus on my actions and continued getting flashbacks. For instance, while I am walking, I would be talking to myself and earning the weird looks and stares from passers-by.

I was viewing the events in my little world. It is similar to watching a high-quality video in my mind. I am aware of my condition, yet I couldn't stop. I denied all help and locked myself in a world of craziness. My mother was concern as my condition persisted and worsen, and I told her I was on a self made-up missionary to investigate my past. I insisted that it would be beneficial to my life.

"Did I met Queen Elizabeth II before?", "How about Lee Kuan Yew?" are some of the numerous ridiculous thoughts that pop out of nowhere. The interaction between these famous individuals were not pleasant. I did a personal research on the Internet and ask a few of my friends to collaborate the credibility of such events, and it prove negative.

De Xiang urge me to consult a professional psychologist, as I am most likely suffering from dereism. Helen shared her past when she was on the verge of breaking down but sorted her thoughts with the help of her spiritual family. They told me that it is normal to visit the psychologist, as it is a way to speak about one's mental illness and receive appropriate treatment.

I did not visit a psychologist. I grab a journal from my shelf and began to scribble down the numerous thoughts and emotions that had been building up for a month. Like the rush of water in the form of torrendous waves from a built-up dam, I flooded the pages with my blue pen. Initially, I was penning in a furious manner, venting my frustrations. Whenever I felt the rush of thoughts, I would indite in my journal. When I re-read what I had written, I am amused with my literacy and wonder whether I should become a philosopher.

I am thinking to write my own novel. Maybe when I had finished my FYP report. It is great to be able to read and write. Thank you, my teachers, for teaching me language. :D

黄色的书

2008-08-25T23:26:00.003+08:00

有一次，我信步走进一家书店，想看是否有出售新书或漫画。对于我这书虫而言，读书便是极大的乐趣。古人言道：“书中自有黄金屋，书中自由颜如玉”或是“万般皆下品，唯有读书高”等句子。虽然我读书读了许多年，但是从来并没有什么黄金的屋子或如花似玉的少女从书中跳出来，但是知识倒丰富了不少。

就这样，我便在书店内闲晃了许久，在众多书柜之间信步而行。当我决定要离开书店时，便发现离柜台不远处，有一堆黄色的册子。这堆册子排叠的挺整齐，但不像其他的书放在书柜中或书架上，而是排在一些过期的杂志之上。这堆看起来并不如何显眼的册子，却引发我的好奇心。除了黄色封面之外，并没有添加书名，作者或内容总结。我看过许多书面，但就没一个是如此以众不同。

我走到书堆前，细细的打量这些奇特的小册子。照理而言，出版社所印刷的书籍会在封面上留下有关于内容的资料，至少也会印上出版社的名字和标识，绝对不会让封面空空如也。我自言自语道：“嗯，真是个奇怪的书呀。封面无作者也无书名，倒是第一次看到。除了书面黄色之外，什么都没有了，”沉思了片刻又说：“这是个黄色的书！”

“等一下！你这么说不是理所当然么？既然封面是黄色的，不是黄色的书是什么？你还不是在说废话！”我不知不觉的便跟自己辩论起来：“这我当然知道，或许黄色的书表示某种意义吧?”

“意义？”我喃喃道：“黄色的书有什么意义啦？”当我说出这一句时，便听到有人笑了。我抬起头瞧瞧周围，看到柜台小姐用一只手盖住嘴，忍不住地偷笑，另一位中年男子以一种奇怪的表情望着我。那位中年男子对我说：“你读读就知道了。”说着便拿一个黄色册子放在我手中。

我读了片刻，了解内容是关于姐弟恋。这为弟弟对他姐姐有种偏爱。由于某种情况，这对姐弟到外地工作，远离家乡，并且同居。弟弟爱慕姐姐，两人终于发生性关系。我读到这儿时，便把书本关上。

我抬起头，发现柜台小姐始终在望着我，并且带着一种羞怯的表情。我向她傻笑一阵子，低下头喃喃道：“我知道了。黄色的书，果然是黄色的书。”接着又垂头叹气道：“只可惜这种书一点都不好读。”说毕，将小册子放回书堆，瞧也不瞧的离开书店。

Oath. The Recollection.

2008-05-05T22:29:00.002+08:00

For changes to be made in oneself, one must have the right set of principles to abide. These principles, moral values, shall be the core guide for one's own action. It shall affect one's achievement and thinking, and the ability to branch out to other paths.

I shall undertake the Oath, which I set personally and determine to abide. This shall serve as a set of regulations for self discipline. Although changes may be made in future, but for now, I shall cultivate what I can cultivate.

1. Exercise time control. Be punctual at all times. Unless due to exceptional reasons, tardiness is not acceptable.
2. Spare some time for meditation. At least 2 times per week. Duration is up to oneself.
3. Be serious at doing work. No matter how unhappy you are, complete the task you are given to do.
4. Spare some time for revision. Learn, and to control and make use of the knowledge.
5. Control laziness. Not laziness control you.
6. If ever a slight tinge of laziness shows, eliminate it.
7. Do not lose sight of what you want to do.
8. Attend all the classes from now on. Sleep before 12a.m. and attend the classes on time.
9. If you want to do something, do it. Muster every determination you got, and do it. Don't doubt. Don't procrastinate. Just do it.
10. Cut down on animes. Do essential things like reading more books, or going out for some exercise.
11. Save at least a dollar per day.

I truly wanted to change. I truly wanted to change. I truly wanted to change.
I shall cultivate what I can cultivate. Bounded to this promise I shall truly abide, it shall be my Angel, my wisdom raft. For any devil that wish to misguide me, my Oath shall keep me in path.
Unless for exceptional reasons or conditions I am unable to control, by no means I shall break the Oath I had undertaken myself.

Know the road, never forget it. Walk it. Think of why I want to walk on it the first place. Constantly reminding myself, it is because of my willingness to change for the better, cultivate better qualities, that make me walk this path.

Be responsible. Don't give excuses all the times. Although I know I did reflect on my wrong doings, I did not put enough effort to eliminate it. PUT MORE EFFORT damn it! Remind yourself if you ever doubt.

I really wanted to be strong. But I don't really know how. I don't have the confidence. Everytime I reflect in my heart, I forget everything the next day. Now everything is written here, no more excuse for forgetfulness. Now I draw out roughly the route I shall walk, this shall be my confidence.

I am the heir of my own actions. For whatever I do, shall determine my result. I shall make my choice wisely. I know it is important to realise one own actions. We have the ability to make choices, I don't wish to repeat the same mistake again. Please, change.

I wish myself all the best, able to follow this Oath for life.
I sincerely abide this Oath, and hope people to able to remind me at all times.
Strengthen my willpower, YOU CAN DO IT!! *roars*

I shall truly abide this Oath. I shall truly abide this Oath. I shall truly abide this Oath.
To know oneself, to understand oneself, seen or unseen. To cultivate better qualities and maintain it, and to abolish negative qualities and shall see it being abolished.
This shall be my goal. I shall truly abide this Oath. It shall be my Recollection.

Namo tassa bhagavato arahato sammasambuddhasa

Hearing Aid

2008-04-04T22:13:00.003+08:00

I sat on the blue armchair, my head tilted foward looking at the pair of electronic devices laid before me. It was not more than three centimetres, shaded in darker beige. At the first glance, it seem to be a type of bended nail or sort of malfunctioned coil; an eclipse-like circular design with a thinner extrusion. I peered intensely, and it slowly resembled the upper part of elephant trunk.

"Unbelievable!" I exclaimed silently. To think this pair of devices no longer than a fraction of my finger would cost a bomb. Five thousand and five hundred to be exact. I looked up, the lady wearing a white coat smiled faintly at me.

"How do you find the hearing aids?" she said. "Yea.." I replied after a moment pause, "It works fine.." She began to explain step-by-step on the proper way of using the aids. I listened intently to the words of the bespectacled living instruction manual, memorising the demonstrations she perform at the same time. She taught me to recognise the right pair for the right ear, insertion and removal of batteries, and switching programs.

A week ago, mother brought me to this centre located at Balestier Road for a ear-checkup. It seem that she had grew tired of repeating sentences over and over due to my incessant problematic hearing.

I found that I had offended a few who are unknown of my condition. For instance, a lecturer of mine claimed to have called at me but was 'purposely' ignored at the food court. He had been giving me a cold shoulder since over my unintentional treatment. His expressions soften a little when I clarified my innocence, but god knows whether he took it to heart.

I viewed hearing aids as a form of disability. Apart from wearing spectacle which was common, hearing aids reflect a sense of unique impairment. I feared people might regarded me abnormally, thus the thought of wearing one did not entered my mind, until now..

The doctor explained it would help me in a great deal of ways, not only interacting with other people. "When you are at a meeting or an international conference, you could not ask the speaker to raise his voice for your own convenience. It would be rude and it might affect your overall impression. Your performance at work are affected if you misintepret your superior's instructions, and may asked to be resign after some time."

"Do not regard the aids as a form of abnormality, but as a tool which assist in all aspect of your life. It can be serve as a form of convenience; able to watch TV in low volume at night without disturbing your parents or listening to music without headphones."

I tried on the aids, while the doctor explained patiently what the programs are. "There are.." She glanced at the product information and continued, "three programs. For program 1, it is to listen to a source close to you. For program 2, it is to filter unnecessary noise and create a more hush environment. For program 3, it is to listen surrounding sounds. Probably you would like to enjoy ambience music or digital effect in the cinema, you can use this mode."

I nod. My perception toward hearing aids changed after the session with the doctor. I am grateful for such a useful invention. It felt kind of weird first time, which seem as though an object hook gently from the middle ear. I made a resolve to work and pay back mother for the cost. It appeared I had taken a step towards self-independence.

Turning point

2008-03-29T01:37:00.002+08:00

I stared at the blank sheet in front of me, lips quivering, my mind in a blank. For what seem like an eternity, I finally raised my head, squinting at the small bits of light blinking on the dark blanket through my window. I wonder why stars appeared to be small in this world, this planet.

I imagined what is behind the stars. Planets revolved within me, and expanded. I felt like I am travelling from planets to planets, from galaxies to galaxies. The universe is truly unlimited. We exist, as a single cell or maybe a tiny molecule in the human body.

Truths. Knowledge. The data we acquired comparing to infinity is such a tremendous gap. And from the existing truths mankind had discovered is actually just a 'tweeny' bit of information, it made one felt the impossibility of understanding everything. Do you think, with that even less bit of data stored in the pink and grayish matter sitting on the top part of our body, could comprehend the encompassing truths of universes?

Wake up! For what we seem to know may not be what we know. A fixed belief could be the arsenic that kill on development. Break from the limit. Hold your destiny. Our greatest power, is the power to make choices. Do not fear! Step forward, brace yourself to challenge! Show them, how great you are.

The universe collapse in my mind. Galaxies and planet swirl spherically towards the middle, like a black hole in effect. I am back to reality, still staring blankly at the night sky while holding the notebook. I wish to change. The burning spirit within me is screaming to be let out. My hands tighten around the blue notebook, my heart wrapping in strong emotions. The blue notebook, the book which records my past events. My diary.

Oh! Heavenly beings~ React to my call. Help me, I wish to be freed. Release me from the chains of Fate. I could feel my own helplessness. I could feel opportunity slip away from my hands. I am going to step out and carve my own road. Stay by me, whoever you are! For I shall attain my own greatest power.

骄傲，自尊

2008-02-08T02:47:00.001+08:00

终于到了新的一年，大街小巷喜气洋洋。虽然没有那些震耳于聋的爆竹声，被取而代之的是邻居家中传来的微微麻将牌子碰撞声，亲戚朋友之间的笑声。偶尔在傍晚时，空中飘浮着阵阵的食物香味，一嗅之下便知道是某家正在煮火锅，和家人一起吃团圆饭。想到了锅中在热汤滚烫而漂浮之下的种种美食，不禁让人食指大动。

我本人有个坏毛病，就是爱吃，不知如何控制自己的食欲，因此人变得臃肿。肥胖有诸多不便，衣服裤子都得买特大号，行动也不便。身体犹如被一串又一串的牢厚铁链硬生生的搏住一般，动作迟钝，体力不支，做了一些运动便喘气如牛，身体如欲散开一般。我知道不能始终保持这等身材，因此下定决心在今年半年之内执行瘦身计划，希望能得到满意的效果。

一年过的真快，在记忆里我还记得去年以及前年的新年时光，犹如是昨天刚刚发生似的。在这些年中，我做了什么？我得到了什么？是否有完成自己满意的事情，或达成自己的梦想？还是觉得自己在这一年之中过得充实，没有浪费可贵的时光？

想了许久，不知不觉地便垂头丧气，摇头长叹。原来自己一事无成，连自己都感到惭愧。在自我反省之下，觉得一切都由自己那自高自大的脾气而来。由于我性情高傲，不听别人教诲，自以为自己很了不起，因此无法发现自己身上的种种错误。即使别人好心劝说，也当作耳边风，无法体会话中的含义。虽然偶尔在别人的指点之下而发现自己的错误，不但不领情，反而叱呵对方多管闲事。渐渐的，别人知道他们的苦口婆心的劝告，就如投黄金入大海，对牛弹琴，只好不说了。

我总觉得，自我骄傲是一种潇洒。想必是武侠小说读太多了，才发出如此感想。金庸作品之《神雕侠侣》与《射雕》中的东邪黄药师，乃当世武林奇人。天文地理，琴棋书画无一不通，于武功上有独特造诣，不同凡响。弹指神通绝技，名扬天下，人称桃花岛主。性格怪癖，而且傲气凌人，喜欢独来独往。不重视中华传统礼节，正符合他的性格。行事不归常理，处于不正不邪之间，所谓潇洒自如，非此人莫属，有“天上天下，唯我独尊”之感。

我羡慕东邪能潇洒自如，一切能由自己脾气而行事，因此也想学学。但是黄药师乃武学奇才，绝顶聪明，如何是我这平凡人能高攀得上？我没有他的那份聪明，也无那份才干，身无一技之长，如何能有如此傲气？简直令人啼笑皆非。

《倚天屠龙记》之谢逊武功高强，乃明教四大护教法王之一，号称“金毛狮王”。此人有名师教导，而且心思细密，行事果断，不马虎，倒是一名厉害的角色。虽然单名一个逊，乃谦虚之意，但是性格狂妄自大，于自己名字之意截然不同。

由此而论，只要任何人有一技之长，便可炫耀起来。那是因为你有本事，才能如此嚣张，但也非坏事。须知天外有天，人外有人，一山自有一山高，因此做人必须牢牢记的“谦虚“二字，不能自满。否则在高手前班门弄斧，弄了个灰头土脸，最糟的可能让自己下不了台，羞愧于无地自容。

子曰：敏而好学，不耻下问。这句话说得好，什么意思？就是说向一位身份卑微，或者比你小，或者在你眼中层次比你差的人请教，而非感到羞耻。孔子赞道，若有人能这么做，乃美德也。于好学而放下自己，不是美德是什么呢？

说了这么多，都是针对这“骄傲”的心态。由骄傲而带来自尊，由自尊带来傲慢，自以为是。不听其他人的教诲，还沾沾自喜。长久之下，结果心胸狭窄，以为自己观念都是对的，导致观念错误，因此行事错误。不知不觉中，已经掉入了人生的另一端的黑暗。别人苦口婆心的劝说，也无事于补了。结果越陷越深，无法自拔。

生为人枉为人也，赋予聪明已智慧，但自甘堕落，沉迷于苦海之中，受那轮回之苦。我何时才能铲除我自生的三毒，以及那害人害己的自尊呢？好不容易恍然小悟，竟然还身处于梦境，何时方能转醒？看来，我的人生，非一帆风顺，前路薄如浮冰，危机重重。

人生区区几十年，说来长不长，短不短，一晃之下，十九年便过了。担心也无济于事，只好一步算一步了。看来若我想转变我个人的命运，必须改变自己。我能办的到吗？
哈哈，我是谁啊？你说，我是谁啊？我姓梁，名国柱也！我什么时候变得这么没出息了？竟然还怕了未来？怎么说，现在我的生活里，也比较多姿多彩了。子曰：学而实习之，不亦悦乎？我相信，我能改变我自己的。。加油了！

注：平时写blog都用英文，但是怎么都觉得，我此刻欲抒发的感情和感想，用华文来形容比较恰当，而且有声有色。一试之下，的确没错。华文倒也有一份潇洒阿～哈哈，若写得不好，请多多包涵。有何不满之处，请指点。在下洗耳恭听！

Inspiration?

2007-07-31T14:00:00.000+08:00

Whenever I thought of writing a post in my blog lately, my mind always in a blank. No inspiration, no special topics to write on. Say, if I would like to edit my series of Chronicles, I am too tired for that. For me, writing always came on a whim of inspiration.

I wrote the Chronicles of Slayer after I dream. And because the dream is somehow purposeful or had a deep meaning behind it, that is why I took the extra effort to remember the plot. While we are living in reality, fantasy would be steadily forgotten. The inspiration would began to fade. When it fade, you had to use imagination to fill in the loopholes. So what does it becomes? A story that wasn't really original but was edited through self imagination.

So what am I trying to stress out? Inspiration. I need a lot of it. But no inspiration for me lately. I am mostly staying at home, doing practically nothing except for the revision of incoming exams while downloading some animes from the websites. Speaking about animes, I am growing fond of a few such as "Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha Strikers" and "Claymore".

Don't call me childish or pervert or whatever for watching Nanoha. By the way, its Strikers, not the previous two series, which the girls are just kids. Now they are mostly grown up, and look cuter and matured, which means its more pleasant to look at. Although one of my friend, K, commented that the production of Nanoha animes is like promoting child abuse. He added, "Coz its from Japan." And what is famous about Japan? Pornography.

I remembered he had enthusiastically sharing this piece of information while we are at a food court, that Japan is among the countries that had lowest crime rates, high pornography, underage sex or abuse. That unique openness among Japanese that they are allowed to have mass orgy in public and had this special festival called the "Dick Day". K said his friend told him Dick Day is a day when Japanese are allowed to gang bang in public. Well I do not find out whether its true, but just felt it was kinda interesting so I take note of it. So much for the bad reputation that eventually hurt the entire population, K noted finally, "I don't watch animes such as Nanoha".

Well personally I felt that promoting sexual activities publicly is a barbaric act. No, I do not want to join in. Partly due to my culture that Chinese are reserved and not open to that extent. And to my character that I felt disgusted just thinking about it. For it turn man into beast, and woman into bitches, where are the dignity, pride, moral values that are universally accepted among humans?

However I am pleased to remind readers that pornography was not related to Japanese animes. Excluding hentai. Well Nanoha Strikers isn't hentai, it mainly promotes on trust, love, bonding. What's more, its an anime full of cute girls in it. Especially Nanoha and Fate. Their looks and existence are too good to be true in this world, in my opinion. In other words, I felt that they are too perfect, and in reality, nothing is perfect. Well, before I go on about my opinion on animes, let's return back to the topic.

What I am trying to say here is, my life got bored. Doing stuffs that seem meaningless everyday, not putting time to good use. It is normal to be felt this way if what you are doing are on a standard basis. Wake up, go school, study, handle CCA stuffs, go home, do some homework, stress with assignments and projects, play a bit of computer, sleep. A daily routine when everything is becoming so normal and predictable, which is a common life for Singaporean and other urban cities folks, are there a way to pipe up our excitement and interest?

One of the ways I think of, is to constantly learning new things and keep your head on the optimistic side. "Always look on the bright side of things" a common sentence for optimism. I rather see it as self deceiving in a sense just to make you feel better and try not to look too much about the darker side. But being optimistic will keep you cheerful. If you got a choice to be happy or sad, why not be happy at the end of the day?

Easier said than done. I am not the optimistic type, but whenever something bad occur to me, before I can stress myself out, I would always try to remain calm and thinking on the brighter side, which somehow assure me. I do not have equanimity, and might go crazy if my emotions overwhelmed me.

There is this case during Primary 6 when I lose self control. During that time, I had the tendency to be getting picked on by my fellow classmates, and when we are playing catching on a field after school, one of my classmates hit my BCG on the top of my left shoulder.

I instantly went berserk due to the pain, and lost all my sense and charged towards the guy who hit me. Partly because he was laughing and making funny faces at a distance. I punch and kick, but got back stab on my BCG spot again from another guy. I grew incredibly agitated. Without a thought, I charged at anybody who is close to me. I yelled and roared, hitting everyone with maximum force I can muster. Anger seething through me together with the burst of adrenaline, I don't know what I am doing anymore. It was quite a silly and losing battle, for me to versus against six people. In the end, I was pulled up and restrained by the biggest guy in class, Pelvin. I was in his arms, struggling and frantically kicking while Pelvin told me to calm down.

After a moment of futile struggle, I slump weakly with both of my arms locked against Pelvin, like the pose when Jesus got nailed on the cross. The next thing I could remember is I am sobbing uncontrollably and muttering "pain" and "revenge". Ong Wee Liat and Bo Wei came forward and apologise for hitting me. Surprisingly, I forgave them. Well, I couldn't tried to be angry after the feat of a mighty warrior.

It was an unforgettable memory. But looking back from now, I only smiled and commented how silly I am. Now I had a better sense of control, and it was a long time since I tried to go all out on anyone. I guessed maybe it was due to my size, which make people think twice before picking on me. However, I believed that power come with compassion. It would be better to use that power to protect than to destroy. Thus, if someone really try to provoke me, I guess I will shrug that off with a smile.

Back to topic, I mentioned how I lacked inspiration. I was writing this post without a fixed topic, and yet I can write to this length. I guess this was a form of inspiration too. I suddenly realised that inspiration isn't something to be searched externally, but something that is already within you. Sort of like magic. About my boring life, well, since its my life and I got a choice to create it the way I want to. If it got bored, I just need to find some ways to excite it. Life still has to go on, isn't it?

Kawaii desu ne! Abit Eechi though. Note: these are fansubs pic, not from the actual anime.

Ah! I flunked my test!

2007-07-24T22:30:00.000+08:00

I am very displeased and angry today. With myself. Why? I flunked my Statistic test.
I could never blame anyone for this mistake, for I knew fully it was due to my own cause. I had suppose that the Statistic test would be held on Wednesday, which is tomorrow. In other words, I did not study for the test at all.

It was actually a wonder and coincidence that I could knew the test was actually held today. Luckily indeed. My class end after 5, and I strode out of the lab and made my way to Food court 4. While I am approaching the toilet and would be having my dinner at the food court, I met up with Yue Ting, a former classmate of mine.

He queried about the progress about my FYP. I told him it was not going pretty well. The group had only just started and I am feeling that it may not be able to make it before the deadline. However, what must be done would be done, and if the group was to progress in a systematic and efficient way; which the team members would cooperate and work as a team; definitely without a doubt the project would be a successful one.

Yue Ting said it was kinda late for the team to be "just started". I nodded in agreement. Before I could proceed to the toilet, he hold me up with a wave of his hand and asked while pointing his finger at the opposite direction to LT17B, "Are you going?"
I frowned at his question, and replied with a "hm?" He repeated, "Aren't we having Statistic test today? Are you going?"
I was utterly surprised. I told him in a mixture of shock and bewilderment that the test was supposed to held tomorrow. Yue Ting grinned a little and said, "Nope, its today. Now. No time."

For the next few minutes, I was calling up some of my classmates. But they never pick up the phone. Thus I concluded that they are either ignoring my calls or already in the examination venue. Most likely the latter. In the flurry, I asked Yue Ting to give me some super last minute advice on the test. He gave me a printed notes, and told me about the last question, which is worth 12 marks. He said that it would be rather easy and most students are able to work it out.

I just stare at the paper, my mind is in a blank. It is not possible for me to absorb anything at this point of time. Not in a situation when everything is thrown off course. And i absolutely detest that, for I, or I believed everyone, would feel secure and confident in a situation which you can grasp or control. I met Terrence who was going to his exam venue, I stopped him halfway and confirmed that today is the day of Statistic test for every class. Every class! Obviously mine was not excluded.

Resigning to my fate, I sighed while shaking my head. Despair. I couldn't remember my exam venue. And its too late to find out via computer. So I walked into LT17B, obviously not my exam venue, approached the lecturer and asked politely, "May I know where is the exam venue for Class 3A/07?"
The lecturer looked at me, and put on a thoughtful face, said, "I can't remember. But don't worry." He handed me the test paper, and continued, "Sit at the back there and take your exam here. I will pass it to your tutor later." His words seem like heaven and hell all come together. Heaven for I am able to take my exam, Hell for I dint even study and not prepared for the exam yet.

Before I could stand and ponder on what I could do to save myself from this pathetic plight, the lecturer shoo me to a seat and gesture for me to start as soon as possible. I looked at him, searching for some hope in his eyes that he would excused me from this test; maybe delay it till tomorrow, or just kicked me out the hall and gave me full marks. Well, in my dreams. And I am not dreaming. I let out a sigh one last time, and regained my composure steadily.

"Its just statistics. Statistic is what? Common sense. Analysing of data, calculating probabilities." I told myself in my mind. "Cool down, Wesley. For God's sake, you can do it." Sometimes self motivation is a very good in aiding you to overcome your hindrances. That determination would be the power source for people to reach their goal. Part of my mind is still in a blank, but I struggled with it, taking in breaths of cool air within myself and felt calmness regaining.

"I can do it.." I said silently. Half an hour later, I knew I flunk it. Some of the questions I could not understand, and thus using the last bit of whatever common sense I had from my brain, I use it. Last resort. A desperate man can do anything. I tried to peep at other people's paper, but somehow I stopped myself from doing so. A man should be upright and honest in his actions, regardless of what situation.

I packed my things, handed the paper to the lecturer and thanked him before I leave the hall. At one corner, Sin Han called me. "Yo its Wesley.." He revealed his cheerful smile and signaled to others of my presence. You Jing, Zin Mar, and Marvin was by his side. They were discussing something which I supposed would be the solution to the test questions.

I took one last glance, felt too ashamed to met their gaze any longer, and proceed to the toilet. After a hasty meal at Food court 4, I was hitting the metal poles and bars, punching and chopping them with my bare hands. I was so angry. Maybe angry couldn't describe fully of my emotions. I clenched my fingers to a fist, and unclenched with much energy. My jaws was itching, and I clamp them shut and forceful. Why am I so angry? I figured that it was the disappointment with myself.

A thought came, and this is one of the optimistic thought I had most of the time when I failed something. "It is over. No point brooding it and creating more stress. The results are bad, but what we should do, is try to make it better at the end." Well, somehow I need to study extra hard for the final exams. That is all I could do. Well, I call this self-assurance, a situation when people need comfort against something that hurts, thus use reasons, logic, or excuses to somehow heal the pain. Doesn't matter. As long as I am happy with it now.

To my previous post, I received some of the comments from my friends and also anonymous. In some way I can say they do not appreciate on what I write. In another way, I can say I write it too bad and the words doesn't convey what I wanted to convey. I prefer the latter, as I agreed that my writing haven't reach a good level. I read some story books and absorbed certain details and information to writing. I hope it helps, and also to all of you who read, please do give comments. I shall delete the previous two posts of my story after I finished editing.

So feel free to give some comments to whatever changes made that would be suitable. Thanks..

Chronicles of a Slayer-Part II

2007-07-18T10:52:00.000+08:00

"Hm.. Wolf bane should do the trick. But it is too potent for a werewolf. Suspended transformation should include.." Eva's voice floated out of her room.

"Ah Ha! Found it!" Eva walk out of her room and saw me staring at the window. "Aika-Chan. What happen?" Eva came before me and shrieked, "Where is that pup?"

I mumbled, "It just leap out of the window."
"What?" Eva exclaimed. "Leap out? And how long is "just"? That pup demonic status is unstable, and could transform anytime. Plus its a full moon out there."

Eva hit me on the head, followed by clasping my face with her hands and pulled me close to hers, said, "Aika. Wake up. It is time to settle your own problem, since you pick it up on the streets thus its your responsibility."

"But.. I can't do it." I stammered.

"Don't worry, my dear Aika-Chan." Eva replied and hold out an ivory seal in front of my face. "The Suppression Seal. Grandpa gave it to me ages ago and I don't know it will come to use."

"Huh? O-ji sama?" Before I could continue, Eva silence with a wave of her hand and said, "We got no time to spare. Get prepared. We got work to do."

Moments later, Eva and I are striding from trees to trees, tracking the scent and marks left by the wolf. "The scent is fading." I said."Just pray that we would manage in the nick of time." Eva replied.

A howl filled the air, followed by an eerie silence. Both of us looked at each other, gave a little nod, and leap towards the source of the howl."It is near. I can sense it." Eva said softly.

Before I could concentrate on sensing the target, a gruff voice growled from above us, "Ladies, looking for me?"

Eva and I looked up, and saw a creature about the size of a bear lying on a thick branch. Its fur stood on ends like spikes, its two limbs hanging limply beside the trunk of the trees. The long sharp claws protruding at the end of each fingers reminded me of Wolverine, one of the X men characters. Its eyes seem to radiate an eerie yellow, the kind of yellow that are associated with Twilight Zone.

"Aika." It smirked and spoke in a soft tone which reveal some of its razor-sharped teeth. "It is nice to see you again."
Eva sneered, "Why wouldn't you greet me? Pup."
"Oh!" It chuckled in reply. "Yes, how could I forget Eva too? I am excited to tear you into bloody shreds, since you stink of those sickening Slayers the most."
"Hey.. can I ask u something?" I said. The wolf leered at me. I shivered again. I couldn't understand why I would felt intimidated each time the wolf gazed on me.
I continued, "Why do you allow me to save you if you are conscious all along? If you despise me that I am a low-blood, you could reject or even kill me easily when I am about to carry you."

The wolf remained silence for a moment, and replied, "I felt you are different somehow. But.. what a disappointment.."
For a moment, I thought I saw its eye changed from yellow to a crystal blue.
It gave a slight shrug and snickered, "To tell you the truth, I am too feeble to lift a finger, let alone kill anyone else. Thanks to you.. heh heh.. I recovered through most of the injuries This time I will kill you for sure."

"No talking for now." Eva broke in. "As a Slayer, it is my duty to destroy any demons which are able enough to pose a threat to mankind." Eva paused, and pointed a finger at it, "Werewolf, if you would surrender to us, I can promised that I will not harm your life but on the condition that your powers must be sealed."

The wolf sneered and let out a hollow laugh, "Ha! Do you think I am so silly? Revert back to original, you say? Why would I want to be a powerless being while I already obtain huge powers?"

I stared at the large figure above me; its sinisteryellowish eyes glinting with evil , the constant low growl came from within its jaws, the slow and mocking motion of the sharp claws that threaten to rip flesh from bones; I stood there, in a mixture of horrid disgust and fear.

I pondered, "I should think of way to suppress its demonic powers."

"Eva.. I.." My voice shuddered, "I.. shall.. follow your instructions.."Eva raised one of her eyebrows slightly, and said, "No regrets?"

I paused, before giving a nod and replied, "No regrets."Eva looked at me for a moment, and smile. She came towards me and whispered in my ear, "I shall try not to injure it, unless necessary." I returned a grateful smile.

She draw her sword straight before herself, tapping the tip of the blade to her forehead, and muttered, "For the pride of Slayer, Swift Death to Evil." I follow suit and after saying the pre-battle chant which is necessary for all Slayers, Eva shouted, "GO!". She took a great leap and swing the sword swiftly downwards to the wolf's head.

The wolf gave a loud roar and raise it paws in defense. I pointed my sword at the wolf, a bright circle of light concentrated on the tip before exploding a powerful beam and hit the branch the wolf resting on. The branch broke into pieces and the wolf fall to the ground.

Eva yelled, "Lure to a more open area. The trees are too clustered for combat."

We leap and stride from trees to trees, moving towards an open field in the South-West direction. We heard the heavy thud followed by the crunching sound of fallen sticks behind us shortly, and knew the wolf was hot on our heels.

Although we are moving at our top speed, the heavy thumping sound behind grew louder and nearer. Eva and I exchanged an astonished glance. We knew our opponent was more powerful than most demons we encountered.

Although we are moving at our top speed, the heavy thumping sound grew louder and nearer behind us. Eva and I exchanged an astonished glance. We knew our opponent was more powerful than most demons we encountered.

We came out through the dense canopy and found a wide road with an overhead bridge, while our landscape were surrounded with more forest. A few houses rested some distance away from the bridge, but the field was nowhere in sight.

I frowned and gave Eva a questioning look. She took out her compass and cried, "Argh! It malfunctioned!" I gave her a blank look, and fish out five pieces of paper from my pouch, gave three to Eva before tying my hands in a seal.

The wolf sprang out from the trees like an indestructible monstrous beast, releasing a loud battle cry. I throw my two pieces of paper on the ground and shouted, "Five Trigram Seal!"

Eva threw her pieces of paper above and muttered a spell, the pieces of paper exploded into bursts of bluish light, showering its gow to its surroundings. After the blinding light faded, the wolf suspended in midair motionlessly while covering in blue light in the shape of pentagon.

A strong breeze blew, accompanied by the rustle of leaves. Two girls and a beast remained motionless, as though time had stop at this exact moment and refuse to flow.

Chronicles of a Slayer-Part I

2007-07-09T21:35:00.000+08:00

Here I am to update my blog again. And surprisingly, I had not write a post for about one month. I guess that is what we mean by "time really fly".

To ensure that each post would be interesting to read, each topic must be fresh thus the content would be something new. Not those post about everyday life when you wake up the first morning to brush your teeth and do your first big and small business at the toilet, or how you miss the bus and got scolded by your teacher, or the food you ate usually at the school canteen. Repeating these details and everybody could recite them with eyes close, the same effect that you could say what your mother said to you after frequent nagging.

Seriously you can say that I am running out of ideas and topics to write on. Thus what I had been doing recently was to indulge myself in reading, other than the usual classes and lectures at school. Exams are coming in a month time, and got no luxury to spend in reading leisure books, thus explain the absence for a month.

I had wrote a story in my spare time and divided it into a few parts. Ladies and Gentleman, enjoy "The Choronicles of Slayer-Part I"

Everything changed since I met him that night. Although things changed in an unexpected way after that incident, I never regret once.

"Aww! I cant believe I got stuck in school until so late. And I gotta get a scolding from Eva-San later..".

It was 9p.m. and I am taking my own sweet time strolling back home even though every second delayed would mean a longer furious lecture from my flat-mate, Eva.

"That damn lecturer!" I cursed loudly while kicking a stone away from my path.
"Why couldn't he let me do the assignment at home? I promised I will do it and I will. Or my words are not trustworthy at all?"

I looked up at the dark night sky. The night sky look like a gigantic blanket, enveloping the world in darkness. At one corner, the full moon shone brightly, showering its white glow onto the surroundings and ensuring itself not to be swallowed by the darkness.

"Geez.. a full moon night?" I muttered.
I heard rumours that certain demons do appear on a full moon night. However, I am not into believing the supernatural, although my job is a Slayer.

A Slayer duties is to protect human mankind from demonic attacks, and also maintaining the balance of these two races. If any demons tried to invade human territories, a Slayer would be dispatch to exterminate the problem. If any human tried to assist in demonic activity, a Slayer would see to prevent it from being done.

If you ask me, I never wanted to be a Slayer in the first place. If I never met Eva-San, I would be a normal girl living a normal life. But living in this world, its hard to make things go in your way. And in desperate situations, we had to make the right choices. Somehow, we choose what we want to be, and live with it.

Something laid on the path some distance away.
"Holy Telletubbies!", I muttered". Please don't be a rapist."
Moving steadily towards the object with the aid of moonlight, a small dog came into view lying motionless on the rough rocky path.
"A dog?", I frowned. "Looks more like a wolf though. Sigh! what to do?"
I pondered awhile before carrying the creature into my arms and walked back home.

"Do you know what time it is now?!", Eva screeched in a annoying tone.
"Totally unacceptable. I thought its your shift today to prepare dinner!"
"Yea.. dinner is all you wanted. Why couldn't you cook yourself? Miss Lazy Bum.", i reply in a sarcastic tone.
"Because its your duty today, and don't Miss Lazy Bum me. Look who is the one being lazy, and picking up some trash from the streets. Do you think we are SPCA or a pet house?", Eva snorted.
"Don't eat so much, Eva-Chan. You're getting fatter day by day. Alright alright, spare me from that scary look. I will cook instant noodle for Miss Lazy Bum and before that, tend to that pup i brought home today." Brushing Eva aside, I went to my room to grab a tower for a shower.

I close the door and heard Eva calling from the dining room.
"What's up?" I replied, sounding slightly annoyed.
"Come out for awhile.." came Eva's call again.
"Later! I am bathing now." I shouted.

A few moments Eva is slapping against the bathroom door.
"What?!" I responded in a more irritated tone.
"U gotta see this.." came the reply.
"GRR! Always picking on my nerves.." I grumbled under my breath.
Covering myself with a tower I waddled out of the bathroom and saw Eva's serious look.
"What happen?" I asked.
"That pup.. it wasn't anything ordinary." came the reply.
"Huh? I don't understand." I said.
"That pup..", Eva repeated. "It had the demonic mark at the back of its head."
Eva's sentence left me dumbfounded for a moment.
"Aika.." Eva was looking at me sternly now. "Its a werewolf."

One hour passed after the shocking comment made by Eva. We are sitting beside the 'pup', analysing and observing it closely.
It is a grey wolf which reminded me of the German Shepherd: sharp pointed ears, slanted eyes with yellow pupils that radiate at night, equipped with and fangs and sharp pointed teeth that are designed for carnivorous diet.

I ruffled against the soft grey fur softly with my hand, and look at Eva for several moments before looking back at the young wolf. Its young indeed, the size about the height of a nine year old kid but what made it different from others is just that demonic mark located on its forehead.

Every demon had an unique marking consist of a set of characters or symbols, or both which represented the type of species and level of power. Each race got their own specific markings, followed by numeric symbols in ancient Latin which determine their level of spirituality or demonic powers.

"Aika, what should we do with it?" Eva finally broke the silence with the question in my mind for the past one hour.
"I don't know"
"You know we can't keep it, and you should know why."

I understood what Eva meant. Its impossible for Slayers and Demons to co-exist with each other, for Demons have the tendency to lose its sanity, and the Slayers job is to get rid of the Demon in order to prevent more causalities.

"But..", I stammered. "I cant kill it..".
"Shall I do it for you?". came Eva's reply.
I startled at Eva's answer. "NO!", I cried out. "No way I will let you kill it."
"Aika-Chan", Eva tone soften a little, "Please be understanding. You don't know when it would transform. And its a full moon night now."
I looked at Eva's eyes and knew she is speaking the truth, and peered at the bright full moon outside the window.

"Please?", I pleaded while staring at the demonic symbol on the wolf's forehead. It looked like a fang; a triangle with a curve at the end; with a 4 in Latin in the middle of it.
"It wouldn't turn out to be any of the demons we killed so far."

Eva stared at me for some time, stood with with a sigh, and said, "The most we could do now is to suppress the transformation. I shall check for the medications, you take care of it a moment".
I continued to brush against the soft fur on its forehead which bear the mark while staring mindlessly outside the window. The cool night breeze flowed through the gaps of the window, giving a sense of tranquility atmosphere.

"Hey..", a voice emanated abruptly from my knees. I looked down startled and met the glare of a pair of yellow-glowing eyes.
"Get your hand off me, girl.." the wolf growled.
"Sorry", I flustered, "I don't mean to touch you for so long."
"Eh? What do think I am?" the wolf barked. "Am I to be treated and patted like those low scum dogs?"

The wolf glare at me for a moment, sniffed a little and growl, "You smell like a human, and had the scent of those low-life Slayers. Get your hand off me, girl! Treat me like a pet dog I will tear you into shreds!"

I stood up and backed away from the wolf slowly, while it remained lying motionless at the spot.
"Heh!" The wolf snorted. "A Slayer back away from a mere threatening! I wonder how your kind could even kill my people with that personality." It continue to stare at me intently, which sent shiver down my spine.

"Heh!" the wolf snorted again, baring its fangs this time. "If you are so afraid, why should you save me earlier?"
My eyes widened and said, "You.. You are awake all along!".
"Of course I am, puny girl.", it snarled. "Wolves are sensitive creatures, and I bet you know what I truly am after your damn partner told you, isn't it?" I nodded softly.
"I am not obliged to be save by a low-blood creature like you." It replied finally and stood up slowly on its legs, gave me a last glare before leaping out of the window.

Flashback To Childhood..

2007-05-19T00:14:00.000+08:00

Recently, I had been trying to recall the "Dream" as stated in my previous post.

Yes, the story havent end yet. There are more exciting part to come. Yet I just dont know how to start again. I lost my inspiration for the use of words to write a good story.

Thus, I switched my focus. I visited the Bitz Library and saw a book "A Man Named Dave". It is a follow up through "A Child Called It". It talk about this child who was named David, and was treated badly and abused by his Mother. Due to her constant increasing discrimation towards David, and I am not sure why, her mother felt that it was not worth it to call him by his name. She feel that he should not even have the priveledge to have a name, thus he, from David becomes to The Boy, and then to The Child called It.

She treated David badly at home. She made him swallow detergents and ammonium solutions, causing sores and burns on his tongue. She slapped him on the face and kicked him down the stairs. If he fainted due to the impact landing on his head, The Mother would wait for him to get up before kicking him on the sides. She tried to burn him while placing his hand on a stove and made him sleep in rags at the garage even if its winter. She would torture him every morning she woke up if she found that he havent done the housework; broomsweeping. Literally, David is like a slave. And it was a very traumatic childhood.

Due to the injuries David had afflicted from the harsh treatment, he was finally rescued and put to immediate custody from the police one day. The day before the rescue, his Mother try to strangle him on the neck after kicking him down the stairs, and nearly suffocate him. It cause swollen epiglotis which blocks the breathing, and the school nurse finally reports to the police regarding severe child abuse.

It is just a brief summary of what the book is about. The book is nice, and touching. It made me recalled one incident during childhood:

I had a childhood which I was not proud about. Like every child, I enjoyed my earliest childhood since born to around 4 years old.

I remember there was a time, what my parents; Dad and Mom; said to me at our three room apartment flat at Bukit Batok.
Dad said, "My son, if we (Mom & Dad) ever beat u, its because we love and care for you. As the Chinese sayings goes, "打是疼，骂是爱" (Beat is care, scold is love), if we do not care or love you, we will not eradicate your mistakes through punishment."
I replied, "But it was so painful."
Dad smiled, "Becoz its painful, u will remember it and wont do it again."
I nod, unconvinced and began to pout. Finally I asked, "What if adults do wrong?"
Dad pondered awhile, glance at Mom who was standing behind him before answering my question, "If that is the case, you can tell us the mistake. We will listen to you."
I asked again, "Is it really alright for a child to tell an adult his mistakes? You will be able to accept what I said if it make sense? And will not be angry or beat me?"
Dad replied, "Yes, but it depends, son."

When I am four years old, Dad's drinking habit worsen day by day. Usually, he would come back home in a drunken stupor. His eyes are red and weary, his breath reeks of alcohol. Whenever Mom asked Dad a question such as, "Why do you came back so late?" or "Can you stop drinking?", Dad would become very frustrated and irritated by it. I couldnt understand why Dad would react this way since I know Mom's intention was asking him to change his bad habits. Dad would tell me to go back to my room, and began to talk to Mom. Although it would end up in a quarrel mostly. In worse cases, Dad would use violence by slapping or beating up Mom with his fists.

Back then at school, teachers told you, "You must listen to your parents. Be a good boy. Or else your parents dont like you. Your teachers dont like you." We have the mentality as a child that adults are always right, adults always did the right thing. Because of children's innocent and pure nature, children will just accept and do what they are told. As a child, I asked myself why is it so? And the answer would be, "Because the adults are more experienced than me. They live at Earth longer than me. They know and learn more than me. And because of this, their achievement and level are higher. I must listen to them. Because they are right. I am not always right." But does it means that adults are ALWAYS right? Most children never think of this, and never doubt what they are told, whether if its good or bad.

One night, Dad came back drunken as usual. He told me to go back to my room and began to beat up Mom again shortly after. Dad had become more and more violent each time he came back drunk. I knew this because whenever Dad was abusing Mom, I was listening in my room with my ear on the door. I knew that the blows are more intense than before from the soft moan Mom emitted. In my mind, I imagine Mom would be cowering at one corner defending herself feebly against Dad's brutal fist.
I knew something is wrong about Dad's action. And its very serious. Somehow I just couldnt take it anymore. Just by listening to Mom's cry would be unbearable. Something in me is screaming, "This is NOT right. This is WRONG! I should tell Dad about this. Because its getting worse."

I came out of the room and the first thing I saw are Mom's sad eyes. She was sitting against the wall, leaning against it weakly; a red-eyed tearful and powerless human being who is bracing against Dad's punches. I looked up at Dad. Dad was breathing heavily. I couldnt tell if he is still under the effects of alcohol. I felt afraid, yet the look from Mom gave me confidence. Its just like a silent plea: My son, help me.

I pointed a finger at Dad accusingly, and shouted, "Stop beating Mom. Why do you keep beating Mom? Do you know that its wrong? Cant you see that she is in pain?"
Dad looked up and stare at me wearily. His eyes gave me an impression of blankness; he seem unaware and confused of what he is doing. I dont care, and continue, "It is wrong! You said that if adults made a mistake, I can tell you! You will listen! And will not be angry! Now you are wrong! You are WRONG!"

Silence. The air is filled with tension. Under father's cold hard stare, I was instantly filled with fear. My bold confidence and strength I gained before seem to fade away. I became a powerless four year old boy. I knew something bad was going to happen. Indeed, Dad went to his room and took out one of his belts. He came before me with the belt, stare at me for a moment before swinging the buckle down on my head with full force.

Instinctively, I closed my eyes and raised my hands to protect myself against the blow. I knew somehow that my hands would be too feeble to defend against it. I knew I would be injured. I knew I would probably be killed by Father's merciless force. I am soo afraid. But the only thing I could do, was to raise up my hand in defence. I brace myself for the fearful moment: the moment of pain, the moment of Death.

Piak! The buckle landed. But I dont feel any pain. In my surprise, I open my eyes and saw Mom hugging me tightly. Her body acted as a shield, protecting me from the blow. I realised that Mom had scrambled from the wall and hugged me in the nick of time to protect me from the blow. Father swing the belt again and landed the buckle on Mother's back.

I was shocked. I remained stunned for a moment until Mom's soft cry awoke me. I waved my hands frantically yet helplessly, trying to cover Mom's back with my hands. I just knew I couldnt let Mom suffer anymore. I dont care if it is painful. I dont care if it will rendered my arms useless and ended as a handicap. In my mind, I dont want to be protected. I just want Mom to be relieve of pain. Its okay, with these two hands of mine, I could at least lessen the impact a little. At least it wun be that painful for Mom. Tears began to well up in my eyes and trickle down while I am grabbing for the belt, eventually I began to cry and shrieked loudly, "Stop! STOP! STOP BEATING! STOP BEATING!"

After two or three shouts, the beating ceased. Dad stepped away from Mom and me, looked at us for a moment before retreating to his room and close the door. Mom and I hugged each other for comfort while weeping softly.

If you ever think such incident only happens on TV, you are damn wrong! Be grateful if this dosent happen to you. Be very very grateful. For you have a good family. At least a family who cared and nurtured for you in your life.
I was raised by my mom singlehandedly. I grown without the love of a father. I probably will become a gangster or derelict now becoz it turns out that alot of children having such family background will end up like that. I am just lucky. VERY lucky.
I am lucky that I know Smoking is Bad. Drinking is Bad. Beating up ppl is Bad. Why?

Coz Dad taught me these. Dad showed me that its wrong. By drinking and smoking and beating. I am able to become what I am now, thanks to my mother, teachers and mentors, my friends and relatives; for their endless patience, guidance and advice. They make me understand and realise what is right and wrong. And lastly to myself. Becoz if I am just any hopeless case, no amount of help will reach me. I am just so glad.

I dont want pity. I just want people to know that, no matter what backgrounds you had, dont give up on yourself. Dont lose hope. Be a responsible person. Do what you can, and what you must. For anyone are able to succeed in life.
I want people to know to cherish what they had. Your friends, family, relatives, teachers, mentors. Those around you, who spend time with you, sharing your happiness and woes, being a part in your life, are more valuable than anything. Do Think. And Reflect. Cherish Them. And lastly, Love Them. Or you will regret. Be Well and Happy, people..

Growing Up

2007-04-25T23:15:00.000+08:00

Its the second week of School, and here the notorious Slacker, Mr Wesley Neo is doing his perfect job on slacking. In this two weeks, Wesley learnt one important lesson.

Old Habits Die Hard.

Tardiness is the bad habit that followed Mr Wesley for years, and yet he still cant get rid of it. Although he know the concoction of the antitode to this irritating poison, the Soul yearn for the antidote but the Will is weak. He succumb willingly to the deadly arms of his comfy Bed, unable to free himself from its entanglement to wake up on time. Thus, two weeks passed. Mr Wesley, as expected, missed a few of his early morning lessons.

"Sigh," he thought, "I am feeling stress, and headache due to unable to find a suitable group for FYP." He took in a deep breathe, and sighed again. "My ITP got a D grade, becoz the supervisor looks so Du Lan and always Di Siao me, I go and Du Lan him".

Dear Readers, u gotta believe me. If u come to where i was working, u will understand what is the meaning of "despise". Just take a look at the supervisor, who portrayed a shitty face so irksome which makes a perfect punching bag; the lips tat turns dark due to incessive smoking, with a rough complexion and small beady eyes; displaying a high and mighty attitude to others. I cant stand it.

Why? First thing: I hate cigarettes. One of the top in my "Hate" lists, i guess i am allergic to cigarette smokes. I nearly vomit due to constant inhalation of the fumes last time.
And my supervisor? A top class heavy smoker who tends to have a quick hand to light cigarettes. He light it with a kind of stylo movement which I knew can be achieved after constant practices for at least ten years.

Once, Wen Jin, Thit Lwin and I are chatting regarding the Olympics.
I told them, "Do u know that our supervisor is a former Olympic medalist?"
Wen Jin and Thit Lwin went eye-wide, showing a mixture of surprise and disbelief.
I continued, "Yea, he is one of the fastest smoker..".
Upon saying this, my companions explode into laughter. I mimic the supervisor's smoking gestures; one hand with a "cigarette", the other with a "lighter", putting the "cigarette" to my mouth while covering it with my other hand, and light up. After taking a deep breath, I let out a "HA......" while pulling the hand holding the "cigarette" down near my waist in a "cool" gesture.
Thit Lwin laughed like mad while Wen Jin just shake his head in a smile.

I find that I am quite childish in comparison to Wen Jin. He is more matured, and had already serviced in NS. Making fun of the supervisor is already displaying my childishness. Although its funny, Wen Jin just shrug off the joke in a smile. I think he find the joke is meaningless, thus showing a smile either to show his appreciation to my joke, or reflect on how childish I am.

This makes me ponder. "Why am I immature? How to become mature? Why to be mature?".
Maturity is a growing up process. All of us do. Our minds shall grow along with the body, or else isnt it weird for someone who is 20 year old but the mentality of a 3 year old? We undertake more heavy responsibilities while we pass through time, and thus must learn to be independent without the support of parents. No more "Papa I wan sweets" or "Mama, pocket money".
I realise that being childish just DONT help if we wan to survive in the society in the future. Thus we grow up, or force to grow up. Setbacks, hardships, experiences will play the main role during the process. Wen Jin is more mature, becoz I guess he experience more hardships, setbacks and earn more experience than me.
At the very least, he acts like an adult. Me? Just a snobbish boy.

This comes to another thought. "How to survive in society?"
The first thing came to me is "Education". In this competitive society, a degree holder earns more than a diploma graduate. In addition, a diploma holder are able to "upgrade" their own future prospects, which means opening up more options to jobs and other prospects.
This realisation comes as a shock, I instantly regret how I pang seh my studies. Years ago, I can be feeling skeptical to the advices and constant nagging of "Son, studies are important", "u should score good grades". But now? No, not anymore.

So, I plead to God, or Buddha, or Allah or to all sentient beings. Please give me the strength to improve myself, and firstly remove this tardiness poison from me. I finally know the purpose in "working hard" in life. Just hope that everything is not too late. At least I dont start realising it after I graduate. May the Speed be with all of you :)

End of ITP

2007-04-11T22:32:00.000+08:00

Its rather interesting to recall the first time i work at Tuas for my attachment programme. Through the long and tired working hours; the air filled heavily with cigarette compounds and coolant; two months had passed.

However the two months seems like years to me. Imagine working 8 or 12 hours in a factory for around two months, while spending the majority of your time at the factory will make u feel as though time was flowing on slow motion.

Finally, this is the last week of my attachment programme. I am feeling overjoy and relief that this "cheap labour" process is about to come to an end. I am eager to say goodbye to my supervisor and the company itself. Although there will be a sense of longing since I had spend 2 months of my time in the factory. I will missed the workers I interacted with, especially my in-charge, Zhong Li, I will miss him more than others.

As Buddha said that whenever there is the beginning of something, there will certainly be an end of it. If there is a start of my ITP, there will be an end to it. If there is a start of relationship at the factory, there will certainly be an end to it. That end; ending of my ITP: will arrive in just two more days. Well, I thought that I could meet up with Zhong Li in future. Just wake up early and wait at Lot 1 around 7a.m probably asking him to buy me some Chinese novels from China, since the price are more cheaper than the local bookstore.

School is starting next week. Oh gosh! How I miss poly life. Its indeed a blessing after what I have been through. The food are cheaper, the environment are better, the life are more easier: not much restrictions, the air are more fresher: no cigarette smoke and coolant vapour...

I decided that I shall give it all I got in my studies, aiming for GPA 4 this time. I knew I could do something if I really want to do it, and this determination was built stronger after what Zhong Li said to me about university. I certainly dont wish to work in a "precision engineering" company ever again. Unless I am really desperate in need of jobs.. I wish that its not too late to turn back. I hope that wif GPA 4 pointers for both sem would make up for the poor grades I got for the past two years.

A Dream

2007-03-21T00:06:00.000+08:00

As soon as Mom came back home, she began to yell at me. She boomed, "What's that which stinks the entire house?" She walked into my room, her nose found the source of the stench. "Your trousers! It stink heavily of oil. Get it out to wash, now!" I retorted, "I am thinking of wearing for the whole week." Mom rolled her eyes, "Whole week? I dun care, u better get it out to wash right now!"

I curse silently, but I did as she told. I dump the black trousers into the pail at the bathroom and began to add detergent and water to it. "WTF.." I cursed again. I was working in a production environment where getting in contact with coolant are unavoidable. Since coolant are an oil base solvent, the long hours working in the air conditioned factory which probably filled with coolant vapour make my clothes smelt heavily with oil. "If it wasnt because of ITP, I would just quit.."

That is true. Last week, two newcomers came. One of them ran away after working for only half a day. The other quitted after a week. That's why I concluded, if it wasnt under a "bo bian" condition, nobody would wanna work that kind of job. My in-charge, a china guy who was friendly with me, told me that he came to Singapore to look for a job with high pay. Well I asked another worker later and I was told that the salary was about 1300/mth. Due to Singapore higher standards of living, such pay would consider a meagre sum. But to someone from China would mean earn around 6k RenMinBi/mth sounds attractive.

I told my in-charge, Zhong Li, "You could always look for another job." He shake his head, and said, "No.. For us to come here to work, we dont have much options. Even if I quitted, I would probably found another job quite similar to now." He sighed, and continue, "You got a chance now. Unlike me, u still have a bright future ahead. U still can make your choices, which are available to you. Study hard. If you had a chance, just go for University. Till now, I'm still regretful that I didnt study university last time.." I nodded. I somehow do understand what he said. Life isnt that easy for most of the people. Most of us still have to struggle for a living. I realised how pampered I am under the sheltered protection of my Mom, which made me more grateful and cherish what I had now.

I asked Zhong Li whether he missed home. He nod his head, his eyes showed a tinge of longing and sadness for a moment. I can felt the pain of his resolution to work in Singapore for a living. It was very competitive in China. Only the best are given the privelege to study in China University, and even if you got a degree, u may not guarantee with a job. Sometimes its just soo hard to get a job. Zhong Li commented, "Singapore is a less competitve country, which contradicts with the situation in China."

What can I do now? Other than standing continously for 8 hours straight working in CNC Turning, there is nothing for me to do except pressing buttons and humming to myself a tune to pass the time. It seem as if Zhong Li and the coolant are my friends, just that the coolant are more irritating and unwelcome, which will stick to me like a stubbon blood sucking lich. Bored. Entertain myself with a book in secret, out of earshot from the supervisor. I had been given a few warnings for reading the book IN FRONT of the supervisor, well Once Bitten Twice Shy isnt it? Now I read it in secret. I sensed that the supervisor knows that I've been reading, but not wishing to blow my cover.

I had a strange dream last night. A dream filled with demons and monsters. Little would I know, the nightmare just began...

It was era of chaos. The once peaceful country was yet no more, and was thrown into wars and bloodshed. Terror and fear hung in every cities of Japan, bodies strewn at almost every corner.

Ever since the Dark Prince ascended the throne, demons had been lurking in the cities, killing and destroying. People fled, trying to find some safe spot to hid against the invasion of demons, but most was soon tracked down and exterminated. Despair. People began to prayed for a savior to release the country from its hellish state. And its prayer was answered..

A boy was standing outside his village, or what it remains. While staring at the burning fire, frequent roars of demonic delight sounded deep within the rubbles. Occasionally, human cries could be heard, followed by a yelp of delight, which silence the cries as soon as it had began. The boy just stood, motionless. He was wondering what was happening. Everything happened too sudden. He recalled the emergency warnings that echoed throughout the village when the guards spotted an attack from afar. But before the villagers could prepare themselves, the demons arrive at a fast pace and began to break through the village, destroying everything in its sight. The boy looked away from the fire, turned his head and saw two bodies; his parents. And that boy is Me...

Something stepped on the fallen branches, making some creaking sounds. I turned my head back sharply, and saw two hazy figures. The thickening smoke made sight difficult, and I'm straining my eyes hard while the two figures approached towards me, slowly. One of the figures took out something shiny, quickened its pace as it did. The second figure followed behind, fast yet cautious. After a distance, I saw that the two figures are actually two girls dressed in black Ninja suit. One of them holding a Katana, pointing its tip at me. The other girl peered at me warily, before calling out, "Are you a demon?"

It sounded rather stupid, well, at least to me. I dun think I would admit if I am. Well, I am not, therefore I replied back, "No". "Then what are you doing here?" The girl with the katana asked. "I.. dont know. The demons came, everything gone. My parents, dead.." Their features soften a little, and began to walk closer, still wary, as though I may surprised them with an attack.

I did nothing until they came close to me. One of the girls stared at me for awhile, nod to the other and mutter, "He's alive, and human." With such close distance now, I can see clearly the features of the two girls. The girl with the katana had golden color hair and is tied to the back of her head like a pigtail. She had a light complexion, her blue eyes seem to burn in a fierish blue flame. The other girl seem to have similar features as her, just that her eyes was slightly orange, a purple hair and a darker complexioni compared to the first. The golden hair girl smiled, "I'm Katsumi, and this is my sister Koya.. Do u need help?"

I guess its time for sleep.. for this dream I gonna continue next time.. :)
Good Nite..

ITP Introduction 1: CNC Milling

2007-03-14T00:14:00.000+08:00

It was some time since I last blog. It seem to become a habit, or rather expected by anyone if they are on the catch of my posts. Well.. I'm tired after my ITp and seldom have the energy or forgot to blog. To summarise what I had been doing till now..

I'm spending my time on a CNC factory and been switched from CNC Milling to CNC Turning, which consist of standing for 8 hours pressing machine buttons, taking part after operation and replacing another. Yawning is a frequent act due to boredom, thus I decided to find myself something to kill time. I read books. Reading both English and Chinese Books such as "Jin Yung sword fighting novels" and the Darren Shan series "The Demonata". I found that horror novels are a hit among teenagers and kids, so I thought tat maybe if I wan to be a writer, I will write on horrors, although I'm not as good as Stephen King.

I shall go into detail about my ITP. It seem that my previous post are just introducing the machines briefly, and is only understandable for those who studied under Enginnering courses. So for the benefit and convenience of more readers, I shall introduce more deeply.

Ladies and Gentleman, let's welcome the first contestant, CNC Milling Machine..

Whenever the term "CNC" is used in Engineering, it would normally refer to a turning/ milling machine which is equipped with a computer-based controller, and is operated on a program with codes which carry specific commands to an operation. The program would be done by the operator. Depending on the models of machine, the program would be input either by diskette or keyed-in using a built in keyboard.

One of the many models of CNC Milling Machine.

For this case, the program is input by a diskette. The controller is the grey panel on the right side of the screen, consisting of a built-in keyboard, the Start and Stop Switches and Emergency Buttons etc. Installed wif a touch-pad screen. Meaning? Can be used just pressing on the screen.

For this case, there is a more than three clamps in the machine. The number of clamps used depends on the length of the machine. After placing the part and clamp it, hammering it is necessary to achieve parallelism or straightness.

Cant differ which is the clamp or which is the workpiece? Light grey at the bottom are the clamps/part of the clamp, and the dark grey retangular block on the top clamped at the middle is the workpiece. *Pointed by the hammer.

Tadaa! Machine in operation. Milky white coolant gushes around the spindle through eight holes. Coolant are oil based liquids and cool in temperature of course. The main purposes of the coolant is to cool the workpiece and to allow smooth chip removal. Other reasons are to prevent overheat of the tool which results in wear.

One of the major benefits of CNC machines are becoz of its ability to perform accurate and complicated operations. Some of the operations include drilling, deburing, surface milling. From the picture, the left is the unwork part, and the right is the part after operation. However, one disadvantage is, unable to operate on more than one workpiece at a time, which make it convenient yet time consuming depending on the cycle time. It can be as fast as 19 secs or as long as 30 min depend on the operations involved.

The finished workpiece would be coated in oil to maintain it in good condtion and prevent rusting. It seem that consumers focus alot of qualities of products, thus the precision and qualities of product is important.

CNC Milling Machines are able to work on plastics too, and able to satisfy most dimensions of products wanted by the consumers. Meaning? It can work on parts are small as half ur thumb, or as long as ur arm.

Wen Jin hammering a long plate onto four clamps in a CNC Milling Machine. The workpiece is about 1.50 metres..

CNC Machines are labelled as automatic type of machines, as it runs solely on the program. The operator just need to write the program, take out the part and replace it wif another one and press the START button for operation. Easy peasey yeah? Shall I let u try it for 8 hrs? U gonna die of boredom..

Its late.. I shall leave the introduction to other machines at a later time .. :)

ITP CNY Celebration

2007-02-24T01:36:00.000+08:00

So, what happens on this day? Well, just merely enjoyment. After about a week of holiday, the boss is so courteous to invite all workers to celebrate Chinese New Year at the workplace.

Thursday. 22nd Feb.

As I woke up late, I manage to reach the company around 20 min late. 9.20a.m. Noticed my ITP mates sitting outside the door on the pavement. Thit Lwin was staring into space while Wen Jin is playing with his handphone, busying smsing i suppose. I walked up to them wif a smile and asked them, "Hi, got work to do?" They nodded, and replied, "Yes, but we dun wan do". I laughed. WenJin queried, "Sleep late again?" I took in a deep breath after nodding my head, and released wif a huge sigh. "Yea..", I shrugged. "Woke up at 8.30a.m".

Walk into the workplace and looked around. Basically, today is just like another holiday. The workers came not to work, but purely for celebration of Chinese New Year. Since I had so much time to do, I took afew pictures and decided to let u all know more about my ITP.

ITP Location:

Kieser Precision Engineering Pte Ltd
No.38 Tuas Avenue 9

Tis is how it looks like on the outside. Dosent it look like a company which was closed down for the time being? Seems so quiet..

But do not judge the book by its cover.

After passing through the front door, tis is the first view u will be seeing..

Look! A vending machine!

I cant believe it does exist in the company.

20 cents per cup of drinks.

Well, i thought it shld be free..

A water cooler beside it, and the inspection room on the right hand side..

What is tis ah? Anyone had any idea?

Its a CNC Milling Machine. We used Cincinatti Acromatic at school. Well this is Hurco..

What is tis ah? Haha, this one our school dun have..

Its more larger than the CNC Milling Machine. It can be used to mill 3 Dimensions objects, like spheres etc..

Walk in deeper into the factory and this will be greeted by these.

Ke-em! Remember ur first year? The machine we used in our practical for Workshop Practice.. name? I forgot :p

At the back of the factory, this is the view you will see.. Rows of Lathe Machines..

What is it ah?? Yea, what is it? Go rack ur memories on ur 1st year practical..

Ahh! It seems my ITP mate, Wen Jin is too bored. Sitting on the pavement and reading my book =P

The long awaited buffet.. the supervisors, bosses and workers are queuing up for the food..

damn i'm hungry..

Wen Jin and Thit Lwin queuing up for the buffet..

It was Yu Sheng.. Err.. Ten minutes ago ba..

guess i'm too late le..

After it was messed up by a couple of chopsticks, it was gobbled down at a fast pace..

and tis was wat left of it..

After a sumptous meal.. everybody sat down for a game of BlackJack. Well I manage to win 10 bucks.. seems that Dragon isnt that bad luck tis year..I fare well than my supervisor.. he lose 200 bucks for being the banker..

On the bus to go home..

haha, u two! Wats up wif the cheeky faces..

We gonna work till dead tmr u know?

Left: Wen Jin

Right: Thit Lwin

If u're wondering why I dun have my own pictures.. well.. I'm the camera-man, and I dun like to take pictures.. haha..

It was certainly an enjoyable day..

CNY Celebration

2007-02-22T03:01:00.000+08:00

Tell me the tales that to me were so dear,
Long long ago, long long ago:
Sing me the songs I delighted to hear,
Long long ago, long ago:
Now you are come my grief is remove,
Let me forget that so long you have rove,
Let me believe that you love as you love,
Long long ago, long ago.

This song was written in 1833 by English songwriter and dramatist, Thomas Haynes Bayly (1797-1839), which was one of my most favourite. It was not published until ten years later, after Bayly had died. It achieved instant popularity and was the most popular song in America in 1843.

The first time I heard it, it was Primary 3. Quite long ago. The song was played on guitar by former TCS artiste (currently Mediacorp) Chen Han Wei. Although it was normally played on piano, the romantic sensation and soothing music got him populared. Among my class, the girls are discussing excitedly on how handsome Chen Han Wei is. Well, he look so different now. Older and matured. I wonder if he is still as romantic as before?

Since then, I couldnt forget the music. It was always on my mind, and I would hum along the tune, when I'm bored or alone. It was one of my greatest joy to learn how to play it on piano. Thus, it shall be dedicated to my blog, for not updating so long. Quite Long Ago did I not updated tis blog? Haha..

To some of my dear classmates whose overwhelming sarcasm on the Class Blog which got me to post again:
I am not DEAD like tis blog yet, at least not for another 100 years (I also duno if I will live tat long). U know ITP Attachments are CHEAP LABOUR de! All the money worth to the employer and we need to work so much. I was just sooo tired after getting back home. Although I did write some drafts of entries the past few days, I just didnt post them. Why? Coz they r not completed, and I dun feel like completin them. Why? I dont know. Anyway, I'm trying to send pictures from my handphone to my laptop via infrared, and it finally work out today. Soon I will be posting regarding my ITP =)

Anyway, Happy Chinese New Year to all of you; my parents, my relatives, my friends, my guardians n teachers; I am wishing you all a Prosperous New Year with Good Health and Luck ahead.
To me, New Year is another CashFlow. Besides getting red packets and celebration, we could also enjoy Steamboat and play card games to earn some money. Once a year onli wat.. so muz enjoy mah. But guys, dun eat too much new year snacks. Otherwise, please drink plenty of PLAIN WATER, not coke or other soft drinks. Or else prepare to get a fever or something bad. For the past few years, I was repaid double due to my gluttony on eating too much, and finally was down with cough and fever for a few days. If some of u r thinking "Fever onli wat.. scared for wat" then its okie. Just dun regret it later.

Talking about red packets, the money I had been receiving are not disappointing. For this year, the money I received was enough for me to open a POSB account. Yep, I will be doing it soon. Gotta need the account book as it will be where my ITP salary goes in. That mere 440 bucks is a MUST claim. Or else cheap labour become free labour le. More worse.So what am I be doing wif new year? Visit relatives lo.

Sunday. 18th Feb. New Year Eve
Went to visit my uncle who was living in private house at Villa Verde. Relishing the steamboat which seem to be flowing full of abalones, scallops and other seafood while mixing in some veggie, its so irresistable that the aroma alone would make someone salivate. Thinking back, it seem that I would enjoy such delicacy only on New Year Eve. Go out for a walk at the park, while playing around wif my cousins. Went home on 9pm.

Monday. 19th Feb. New Year Day
Visit my uncle ordered a Thai-style buffet to serve my other relatives. What was more important is.. time for ANG BAO. Putting my best smile on my face, I began to greet every elder relatives with "Happy New Year" or "Gong Xi Fa Cai", followed by some shaking hands and thank you, a red packet was rewarded.
The atmosphere was filled with joyfulness, everybody was chatting to each other. My uncles would sit outside wif a smoke, which my aunts would sit inside, either looking after their children or chatting with one another.

Well, for me? Waiting for a game of Black Jack of coz.
However it was very disappointing. It seem that Dragon dosent go along well with the Pigs, my luck wasnt that good on the gambling table this year. Why do I say so?
My uncle, the banker, asked me to shuffle the deck. What was really weird is, whenever it was me who shuffle, the other players would have a DAMN high chance of getting BlackJack and "Gor Leng" and I would receive either 12 or 16. If its 12, I would get a 10 when I draw. If its 16, getting a 5 is almost impossible. My uncle just stare at me speechlessly. He must be thinking "The Lucky boy for the past few years is down wif such bad luck".
When its my uncle who shuffle, the players would get a DAMN low chance of BlackJack and "Gor Leng", and my uncle would always get 20. A pair of Jack or Queen, or Queen and King.
Shaking my head, I sighed. Moral of the Story: All Dragons, please work hard this semester. It seem that lady luck may not smile on you as usual indeed. Using skills to replace luck would be better.

Tuesday, 20th Feb. Visitin my paternal grandparents. I nvr spend my new year eve wif my paternal side, not for a long time. Its already very seldom that we met up, thus, I dun get to know well most of my paternal side relatives. Sad huh? Although I did spend my childhood here, but its just another unhappy memories. Grandpa was still as healthy as ever. I bet his frequent Tai Chi morning practices did have some effect. Grandma wasnt that good. She need to go through electrotheraphy at nite. The electric current would improve her blood circulation and also nerve control. One thing good here is.. there is an abundant of food and drinks. Spending my time wif my aunt's com.. my paternal relatives dont disturb me. I guess I'm a big guy now, and ntg to talk also.

Wednesday, 21st Feb. Reach home around 3pm. Meet up with my best friend, Jerome, Poh and Kenny. Jerome invite us to his house for CNY celebration. Well, I forgot to set the alarm clock and thus I missed the meeting time. As I am rushing halfway, they are having a meal at Teck Whye Coffeeshop. When I reach, they are already about to finish. I took 1 min plus sec to finish up the remainder (Credits goes to Kenny who volunteer to time my speed) and then, the time for Yu Sheng. Exchanging polite and congratulate sentences, we began to "mess up" the Yu Sheng with our chopsticks. After tat, we play Dai Di at Jerome's house and finally Majiong.
It seems that I'm the Dragon who dosent goes well wif Pigs this year, among all the Majiong games I just won 1 round. It was 1am. Time to return home

Thursday was starting of my ITP. However it was special. A buffet would await us, and we get to knock off early at 1pm. So I shall just spend my time playing BlackJack and eat. That's all.
Finally, a Happy New Year to all. I bade you Good Nite.

Exams Over!

2007-02-08T23:48:00.000+08:00

Woops! Exams are over. Finally! And I can enjoy for the time being.
How I detest to revise at last minute.
I had planned to revise again during 2a.m. however I ignore the alarm clock and continue to sleep until 5.30a.m.

Woke up with a start. After my morning wash, I proceed to my study table with a cup of hot milo. While I am busy staring at my notes, I turn on my laptop and log in "e-learning" at school website to check out the answers to tutorials and review qns.
This type of "chiong" last minute revision seem to work pretty well on me. Well i dont know why. I tot maybe it was due to the 'rush' that excite my mind, thus I am able to absorb better.
At around 9a.m, I was studying Unit 3. It was Industrial Automation (IA) today, and the total assessment comprised of 4 Units. However Unit 2 to 4 would be tested, which means I will be studying 3 Chapters. "One more Unit left to go", I thought. After a sip of milo, I began to scan through the notes and tutorials. The exam starts at 2p.m. which means time was still aplenty.

"Crink!" I looked up in respond to the sound. My cup of milo toppled. With my reflex, I try to push the cup back to its initial position, but it was just too late. The brown liquid poured over my desk which flow down to the floor like a massive waterfall. "Shitterbug.." I cursed under my breath. The mess up is the last thing I wanted to get interrupted wif my revision. My notes was dyed a dirty brown. Shaking my head, I looked at the unexpected mess. How did the cup toppled?? I scanned my desk and found the cause. I had laid the cup on top of a stack of CDs.
Fetching some cloth and tissue paper from the kitchen, I began to clean up the mess. After wiping the floor and my desk, and also some equipments like my pencil case, I resumed my revision again. The clock reads 10.00a.m.

I had prepared for myself a fresh cup of Milo. This time, I ensure that the cup was placed on a flat surface and not near the edge of table. Mom came over to take a look at me before going off to work at around 10.30a.m. She told me to study hard and asked me whether it was my last paper today. I nodded. I thought, "After the paper, it would be really enjoyable. No more pressure le, how i wished that the paper would ended now..." Well, that moment was history, the paper already ended.

At around 4++p.m. I walked out of the examination room. The room was really cold, I proceed to the toilet to wash my face and hands. It seems like it was an easy paper. Most of my classmates had finished it early. Especially Su Shan, the 2nd person to walk out of the room. Then Leon kun and Marvin. When i finish the paper, I look up and see that most of the ppl had leave the room. Wow! Is the paper really that easy? I guessed so. Wen Hao asked me whether I had owned the paper at FC 2. I told him " can pass la.. cannot be said as owned". He told me "I owned the paper liao.. very easy..". I looked at him, and smiled. "Okay.. the paper must be really easy.."
Hafizul came over and give me a "massage" on the shoulders. "Hey wesley.. how's IA?" "Ok la.. can pass, how abt u?". "Ok also.."
I took in a deep breath. Gazing afar, I muttered, "Finally, exams are over."

Comment on Girls in Class

2007-01-20T01:46:00.000+08:00

The days to exams are near. Everyone is busy wif their revision and self studying.
Including me. However I shall say I'm slacking for most of the time.
If I got a job as a Full time Slacker, I believed I may even get a pay rise in no much time. Why? I understand myself too well. I lack self discipline.

Maybe due to the incoming semestral examinations, everyone is so busy that they forgot to blog. Including me. But not now.
One of my friends told me, I should reply to comments so that people will not feel as though they're talking to a wall, or something like that. Well, coz previously I did not do so, maybe that's why there is no comments at my recent posts.
Talking about comments, it reminded me of one incident happened during Thursday.
To cut the long story short, some of my classmates ask me to comment on the girls in class.

Before I give my comments, I shall keep the identity of the "some of my classmates" hidden as Anonymous, as it was them who asked me to put tis topic on the blog. I will feel bad if they may suffer the wrath of girl's power. But u know, the first joker I wouldnt care less if he would face the wrath or not, is Mr J. And the second guy who induce stress at me while playing "Dai Di", which resulted me in a debt of "4 times", Mr Ghee Zheng, followed by the always smiling person in class, God of Gamblers, Mr BaoShu. And lastly, the guy who seem to have his hand glued to the PSP most of the time I saw him, Leon kun.
Opps! Did i mention their names? I promised to keep them Anonymous. So err, sorry to say, it must be a slip of my fingers. Whatever, please forget their names ok? =P

Continue wif the story. Anonymous God of Gamblers, as sunny looking as usual, start with the question by asking me, "Which of the girls in class u like? Rank them 1, 2, 3, 4." Anonymous J~oker grinned and nod his head in response to Anonymous Gambler's question. Anonymous StressedMeInDaiDi's (SMID) and PSP-kun's face lit up in interest.

"Erm.. Erm" I began to mutter. Without giving me much time to think, Anonymous Gambler asked, "Su Shan, what do u say about her?". I pondered. Anonymous J~oker chipped, "Her body rite? Sexy?" saying it while looking at me wif a thumbs up. I nod. I wouldnt deny. Su Shan do have a nice figure. I'm juz too plain honest.
Gambler whispered something to J~oker which I couldnt hear clearly, and began his second question, "How about Anna?".

"Erm.. Erm" I muttered again. J~oker put both of his hands in cup shape on his chest, said, "Like that rite? Tis one good rite?". I turn my head away, trying to contain my laughter. It was funny. SMID and PSP-kun chuckled. Gambler asked, "Then how about Audrey?"

I shake my head wif a straight face. The Anonymous' look at me, and then at each other. Gamber asked again, "So what about Su? Suhanida.." I look above while stroking my chin wif my thumb and index finger, giving the impression to be in deep thought. At last, I reply, "Her character". The train began to reach Clementi MRT Station. Anonymous Gambler, before leaving, told me, "If you put tis as topic, I will go and put comments". I smiled at him. Ater saying Goodbye, I turn to face the remaining 3 Anonymous'. ~End of Story~

I dont like to comment on people. Coz it dosent meant much. Comments dosent mean the actual person, or things. If I say, "You are a bad guy". Yea! You are the bad guy, but did you do any good deeds on ur life? At least u might have did something as basic as picking litter, or maybe helping your mom wif house chores. These are good deeds. How bad can you be? How good can you be? It dosent matter anymore.

Su Shan. Her long black hair attracts me the most. Quite tall and confident in her looks. However I dont understand her well. We only exchange a few sentences. I dont know why, I do have the urge to talk to her, but I just couldnt bring myself to talk to her.

Anna. I noticed that she have a beautiful smile. Honestly, she ought to lose a little weight. Anna, if u're reading tis blog, pls dont hit me. I am sure she will transform into something more beautiful. Same as Su Shan, I dont understand her too.

Audrey. A quiet girl who seldom express herself in front of others. Thus, it seems that she is quite hard to notice. To Audrey, I feel that your confidence may be related to your looks. IF you're concern wif how u r look at, build up your looks then. Youth just for once, never again. Spend your youth wif no regret. And do talk more. U're too quiet.

Su. A cheerful girl who always smile. Well, when she smile, she will show that set of white teeths. Maybe that's what keep her smiling all along. I find that she had a little difficulty to close her jaws, which reminded me of a tiger. A tiger who bites. =P Same as the others, cant comment much too.

All comments, did not harbour any ill intentions or insultin remarks. Do take note: Comments dosent represent the actual person or things. So it may not describe the person well or fully. And lastly, all the best for exams~

You Are the Hermit 0.0

2007-01-12T06:14:00.000+08:00

You are The Hermit

Prudence, Caution, Deliberation.

The Hermit points to all things hidden, such as knowledge and inspiration,hidden enemies. The illumination is from within, and retirement from participation in current events.

The Hermit is a card of introspection, analysis and, well, virginity. You do not desire to socialize; the card indicates, instead, a desire for peace and solitude. You prefer to take the time to think, organize, ruminate, take stock. There may be feelings of frustration and discontent but these feelings eventually lead to enlightenment, illumination, clarity.

The Hermit represents a wise, inspirational person, friend, teacher, therapist. This a person who can shine a light on things that were previously mysterious and confusing.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Wake up at 3a.m. and surfing net. Got into someone's blog and take the test.
Somehow I'm happy I got this card. Maybe I'm a Hermit in my past life? Or rather it describe me close.. However, I still dont think I'm a wise person. Maybe time will tell.. =D

A Simple Reflection..

2007-01-11T11:56:00.000+08:00

Its raining today. I skipped lessons, and only come for the 2 hrs practical at the end of the day. I began to reflect on myself, and wonder whether did I learn something at the 10 days retreat?
The true purpose for ordaination is, of coz, not just for merits.
By experiencing the spritual life of monks, and letting this chance to cultivate ourselves. Which means? Understand ourselves better and improve with wisdom.
I deeply reflected, and I wont skipped any lessons anymore.

Talking about today CAMAC practical, its fun.
My classmates are telling me jokes, and I had to maintain a straight face and refrain from laughing. One reason I dont like to laugh, is becoz I have no confidence in my smile. Why? Since I was little, I notice my teeth are slightly yellowish. And no matter how I try to brush the yellowish stains away, it would never get off. Rather, I see blood in my toothpaste foam.

I remember when I'm in Primary One, I went to the school dentist. I'm quite scared, as I heard of stories regarding dentist giving horrible injections to patients. As I am waiting for my turn, I'm trying to calm down my nervousness. Keep telling myself, "its only a dentist, its ony a dentist..".
Finally, I heard the call "Wesley Neo" and trodded slumpily into the room reluctantly. Its a female dentist, and she asked me to sit on the chair. The "Dentist Armchair" I called it tat time.
Through the bright light, she began to observe my teeths, and commented, "Oh, so you have natural yellow teeth". I asked, "Arent teeths all white?". She reply, "Nope, not always so. Some of the races, especially chinese, are naturally inborn with yellow teeths. So its not something rather surprising." She show me a book "How to Brush your Teeth the Right Way" and asked me to take note of the color of the jaw. She pointed to some of the tooth in the picture book and said, "See, there's slight yellowish stains. Such stains are natural." I asked how to remove that yellowish stain. She reply, "Just brush your teeth frequently. Once in the morning and once before u sleep. Its personal hygience, boy." I nodded.

Well, its been a decade. And my teeths are still yellow. Although I still do brush my teeth frequently, I simply cant remove the stains. One of my friends, Galvin, told me, "You need a special kind of toothpaste specially for removing such stains. Just buy from local clinic. But it dosent come cheap." However, never I did visit the dentist after Secondary School. Looking at other people's sparkling white teeth and confident smile, I cant help feeling envy. I tried a few of the expensive toothpaste at the market such as "Sensodyne", "Colgate", and some American brands tat promise whiter teeth after usuage. Well, load of crap. Maybe I just need to bleach my mouth.

Back to topic. I am not under Mr Lim Ah Chey for today's practical. Well, its Mr.Chan instead. Mr Chan, is someone who will make my eyes hurt after looking at him a period of time. And unknowingly, I would laugh after analysing his facial features. Most of my classmates dislike him. Why do I say so?
When Mr Lim told us the class would be split into two groups under Mr Chan and him, I heard quite alot of disagreements, especially the girls; Anna and Su; shown displeasure and told Mr Lim they wanted to join his group.
Some of my classmates gave bad nicknames to Mr. Chan. Well, one of them I heard is "Chee Bye Face". Yea yea, I know the ones reading it would probably be laughing right now.
What does tis imply? Yes, first impression is mainly from looks. And sad to say, Mr. Chan dosent possess a combination of features which are pleasant to look at. I know I'm discriminating ppl, that's why I felt bad. One of the Buddhist teachings is "To treat and regard sentient beings, regardless whether its an ant or human, as equal. For there r no different between either of them." I felt shameful for discriminating Mr. Chan becoz of his looks. Regardless of what, he's still a teacher, and a teacher do deserve respect.

However, I dont think most of my classmates felt this way. Why do I say so?
Mr. Chan began to talk about how to operate the machine, Arrowhead 500, and during the process he would ask someone to repeat the procedures of operation.
I noticed, that someone would display a sense of displeasure or reluctance at being called. For example, Sin Han show a super "buay song" face at Mr. Chan before proceeding to the machine. He show a emotionless face which give a sense of defiance while arms akimbo, and looked at the teacher from the corners of his eyes.
I giggled, trying to containing my laughter. Its the first time I saw Sin Han with a super "buay song" face as he would normally display a kind of "cool cool" attitude.

To my classmates, dont be evil leh. Be Kind and Compassionate mah. I know I dont have the rights to say ppl, however I believed I have enough rights to encourage ppl to be more caring and compassionate. Spread Metta will also gain merits. =)

Conclusion of the day: Laziness and Idleness is my biggest weakness. It made me unmotivated and unskillful. Because of it, it created more and more mistakes in myself. "Hardwork and Effort" is the key and medicine. But the problem is, Am I willing to put in the hardwork and effort? I must admit I do felt a sense of relunctance. However, I believed this "reluctance" dosent come from me, its just my mental defilements are creating problems. Post till here.

Boredom Killing Me..

2007-01-10T23:20:00.000+08:00

Not much things happened today. As usual, classes starts at 8.25a.m.
Mr Wesley the number 1 for tardiness, came for IA Practical at around 9.20a.m.
So, ask Mr Wesley, did he late deliberately or rather he is too plain forgetful that he forgot the timing for practical? Well, the reason he gives is: Sleep late, wake up late.
And what's more funny, the Mr Wesley is me.

Greet my fellow classmates with a smile. Daniel, smile at me cheekily. Well, Farhan notice the Timberland T-shirt i wore, and asked me if I knew Justin Timberlake. I nodded, and he laughed even more. Sometimes I think Farhan is abit TOO cheerful to be serious, so its quite hard for me to take his words seriously. Daniel chipped in saying, "Ya, he's Timberlake. No no, its Wesley Timberland." while he's still wearing that cheeky smile, he patted my back and say "Sexy Back".
I feel that Daniel is a "dangerous person". Guys, if u see him, dont be fooled by his cheeky smile. YES, cheeky is the word u will come across when u see him. He's not as simple or innocent as he look though. One of his special trait is to sleep in class, thus the nickname "Sleeping God". He's so godlike that he do manage to pass his exams although he sleep during lectures and tutorials. Does tis imply that the current modules and educational system is so freaking easy that one can pass while sleeping? Wat I can say, he's also quite a joker.

I come to know later that "Sexy Back" is one of the songs by Justin Timberlake.
Yea yea, I'm now a "botak" like him, and wearing a Timberland T shirt, how coincidence can it be? I shall note that I do not resemble Timberlake, so dun be eager to see me. So what does Sexy Back have in relation wif me? Seriously, I dont know. The guys ask me to watch the MTV "Sexy Back". Yea I'm watching it now, but I still cant find any relation of it to do wif me.. Sexy Back?!

Ok, what comments I can give? I feel that this is the most stupid and lame song I heard. Checked out the lyrics, and I still cant get wat the song mean. Sexy Back sounds stupid, the song is even more stupid. WTF is "I'm bringing sexy back"? Middle finger to Timberlake, it sux! What for do guys need to bring a sexy back for? Maybe someone can explain to me? Lol..

Nothing much interesting happened today. Met up wif my buddy, Jerome for lunch. While on my way to Business Block, I met Helen coincidentally. And unexpectedly, she had lunch wif jerome and me. Uh?! I cant help feeling abit weird. But since jerome and helen dont mind, why shld I too?

It seems that I had changed during the retreat. Why do I say so?
I lacked the vitality and energy to remain cheerful. I'm feeling like a bored old man these days. I cant go to my clubhouse anymore. The air-condition break down. I dint check out the other areas, but the Navigators, Campus Crusade of Christ, Poly Christian Fellowship, Legion of Mary and my Buddhist Club are affected by this breakdown of air conditioning. It turned the clubroom to living hell. Just 5 minutes and I cant stand the heat and stale air. And guess wat? Vice President told me that Daily Activities will be resumed, which consist of chanting and medidation. Medidation in that stuffy condition? Seriously I cant stand it, and I avoid going to my clubhouse, unless the air condition is repaired.

Shall complain to SAA. I pay 6K for my sch fees every sem and u're giving me this load of shit maintenance to my club? I cant help it.. 6K consist of maintaining the facilities of the entire polytechnic, and of coz I did not use all the facilities of the entire poly. Yet they cant even manage to settle one small air condition stuff?
Anyway, post till here. I'm tired.. -.-

A New Chapter Begins

2007-01-05T15:27:00.000+08:00

Visit my class blog. Nobody post anything new there. Sigh!
I wonder, what everybody is busy wif? Work? Or school stuff?
Exams coming soon, and yes, as usual, i am the slacker at home doing ntg except watching anime. Bored. Listening to the songs my friend, Helen, sent me.

I wonder if she's okay. She nudge me yesterday on MSN and send me alot of songs wif no reason. I accept them, and I'm glad that I like most of them. Well, some of the songs are on my "wanting" list, as I am searching for them but to no avail. Listening to "Qian Shou" while typing.

Year 2007. I began to recall the events happened during the past years. All of them, felt just like yesterday. Primary School: Study at CCKPS (Choa Chu Kang Primary Sch). Transfer at Pri 5. My former form teacher, Mr Leow, is one fellow I wont forget thru this life. I am a problematic child back then, and becoz of family problems, my behaviour and attitude are affected quite negatively. Mr Leow cared and nurtured me, he made me realised my mistakes and taught me interesting lessons. Some of these memories still do make me smile.

It was Year 2000. Y2K back then. Pri 6 came. PSLE period, still remember Mr Leow is quite stressful and delivered us a continuous, never ending flow of assignments and homework everyday. Ah! How memorable. Well, I passed my PSLE wif a score of 204. Well, the primary chapter ends here, but another chapter begins.

Secondary Sch: Regent Sec. Enrolled into Express Stream, Class 1/10. A boisterous kid I am, unknowingly, began to irritate on my classmates due to my incessive talking. I believed they dislike me even more becoz I am very fat that time. Catergorised as 130% in Tuff Club. Fat, is being seen as a form of inferiority among kids and adults, and tis "looked down" impression is haunting me since child. Well, despite this, I managed to know 5 good friends. And its enough.

Sec 2. Sat beside a girl whom I later have a crush on. Well, I remembered I had concealed my feelings well. One day I reveal this secret to a friend, Ben, and the next day he spread this secret to the class. Sigh! Well, Jasmin, the girl whom I have a crush on, dint react much to this rumour. Both, she and I denied to the rumours and soon it stopped. Wif average grades, I went into Sec 3.

Sec 3. Combined Class. Becoz of all the negative treatments from my previous classmates, I decided wif all my will that I will not be looked down on again. One month before school, I began to learn A and E maths under a tutor. And I work very hard. Soon, my grades were top in class and finally I gained recognition from my class. However, I became very anti social. So anti social that I dont speak to most of my classmates. One day, a classmate caught me writing "Jasmin" on my textbook while in class, he told a girl who is a close friend of Jasmin. Well, that girl told Jasmin about it.
After Recess, the girl came to me and asked me, "Wesley, have u been writing Jasmin on ur textbook?". I maintained a calm look on my face and reply, "No". She retorted, "Dont bluff. Hong Jing told me u write her name during class. I told Jasmin le. She wan me to tell u dont write her name anymore. She said its very disgusting." I do maintain my calm composure and reply, "Dosent matter, I dont like her anyway. And I do not write her name."

Although I remained as calm as possible, I can feel a wrenching pain at my heart. I asked myself, "So this is wat it call HeartBroken?" Sigh.. I smiled. A sad smile. A smile while represents my disappointment, loneliness. I know I have been wounded. The sentence "She say its very DISGUSTING" is etched in my memory like a leech. Pain. Slowly, the "like" for Jasmin developed into Hate. A mixture of like and hate that time. I realised, Love and Hate, are just opposites of each other. Love can change to Hate, and vice versa. I also realised, words can be so powerful that the impact can delievered unimaginable damage. We may not be able to recover from the damage, even if we do recover, it becomes a scar. U will definitely remember this wound; how it was created and the pain; as long as u live. And I did.

Sec 4 came. Anti Socialness dint change. Although I got gd results, I realised I still dint get full recognition. They dont come to me, or talk to me. Guess its my attitude? O levels period is quite stressful. Well, in the end, I almost fail English D7 but I score B3 for Prelims. But becoz I scored A2 for combined science and B3 for Maths, I managed to go into Poly. Got into a course I dont even like; Mechanical Engineering. Well, regarding Jasmin, my feelings for her did turn bland. Seems like O Levels had diverted my attention into studies. I am glad, or I will be tormented by this "silent" rejection. It took me 2 years to recover from this heart injury. Sigh! How emotions hurts! Looking back, I am just a pathetic brat who yearn for Love. And another chapter begins.

Poly 1st Year. Brought that anti socialness wif me. I remembered, I am someone who only believed in myself, and not trusting others. Why? They will hurt u, they will send negative remarks at u. Thus, if u dont wish to be hurt, u must protect yourself, u must avoid them. That's what I thought. Recalled that I signed on CSCC camp during Freshman Orientation. Alot happened during the 3 days camp. Too much to be written on this blog. But one thing I know, the camp helped me to open up my heart. Not as anti social as ever. During the camp, it talks about co-operation, bonding and teamwork. So I did enjoy myself after all.

Got into SPBS (Singapore Poly Buddhist Society) by accident. Although I did visit their CCA booths, however, I dont wish to join although I am a Buddhist at first. Must be fate. I enjoyed my life as a freshman, however, my anti-socialness is not over yet. Becoz I seldom socialize wif my poly classmates, in return, they avoid me. I dont work hard in 1st year, coz I regarded the course as something I am not interested in, thus cant find the motivation to put in hard work. Gradually, I am influenced by my SPBS friends. I began to realise I will not be happy if I continue to be anti social. I decided to open up myself slowly.
I came to know later from a best friend, Jasmin study in SP BioTech. Need a cut-off-pnt of 8 to get in that time. She and I, are two person living in different world. She is one who do work hard, and know what she is seeking. For me, I am someone who dont. But this dosent mean I will give up. Just like everybody, I changed and keep improving. That's how Life suppose to be.

Poly 2nd Year. Got into DME 2A/02. Got into a new class, coz I failed 2 modules. Somehow, I still cant fit myself into the class. Although I did change better, but I still cant interact wif the class. Although I did have the urge to make friends wif them, but somehow, I do not know how to, especially with girls. Once I tried to interact with them better, and got myself purposely into an all-girls group on RWP. I am the only guy in the four ppl team, consist of You Jing, Zin Mar, Xiu Juan and Me. Naturally, they do outcast me on occasions. I am not regarded fully into their group, maybe coz I am a guy? I dint eat with them, or go out with them sightseeing etc. No chance to. Only during work, do we sit down and discuss. After work, I go my way, and they go their way. Maybe I dint try hard enuf? I passed all my modules and got into another new class on 2nd sem.

Second semester: I decided to have a resolution to open up myself completely. Got into DME 2B/01. Another new class. Coz I dropped "Engineering Design" last sem thus I am taking it this sem. And yes, I did try to open up myself as much as I can. I realise that this new class is quite active, and consist quite alot of "hidden talent" ppl. Well, that did picked up my interest. I made friends wif them. And gradually, they accepted me and take me as a group. I enjoy socialising with them. I can say, the entire class is my friends. Farhan, the guy who loves to sing. Mr J, the unpredictable one who even greet unpredictably. BaoShu, the guy who told me he's God of Gamblers, and more. However, I managed to interact wif only guys. The girls? Not so well. I think, just a few sentences wif them. Still not opened completely eh? Well, I will. =)

Its holidays. 2nd sem is going to end soon. School will reopen 3 days later. Exams in another 3 weeks time. And ITP will start. SOOO, I MUST buck up. What I had written above, are just a fraction of what I had experienced. I do faced difficulties in myself along the way, however I will faced them bravely. I put "Conquering Myself" on my MSN nick to show my new resolve. I will definitely succeed. Well for me, this current chapter is began to get more exciting isnt it? Well its Year 2007. =)

Santi Forest Retreat

2006-12-31T01:32:00.000+08:00

UHH!! Due to my long absence, I notice there is a layer of dust in my blog.
And most importantly, no ppl will check on my blog much again.. :(
Seems like i ought to manage my time well and reflect on what i had been doing.

So, what have I been doing to neglect my blog during the holidays?
Be a Monk.
Yes, no joking. During 17th to 27th Dec 2006, I was on a "10" days holiday to Johor, Malaysia. Yet it dosent turn out like what holidays ought to be. Instead u can call it as "spritual training". Some of u who are reading this post right now, dont be surprise. I cant help it if u felt amazed -.- "what?! Wesley be a monk?!!!!", "Hahahaha,how can it be possible?!!" etc. May I advised to readers to exercise some self-control, or u will land urself in mental hospital.

Yes, why be a monk? Well, there r a few reasons.
1: To experience the spiritual life of a monk (ordaination).
2: To accumulate and dedicate merits for myself and the ones around me, e.g. my love ones, my friends, my teachers etc.
3: To learn something new.

I felt that there is a need to dedicate merits for my friends. Why? Merits, is like "Credits" or "Game Chips". Imagine your life as a game, and there are things u wanted to learn, wanted to get. U can trade materialistic stuffs with Money, while merits is to help in ur internal or spiritual cultivation. For example, "Knowledge", "Wisdom", "Experiences", "Skills" are wat u can get wif Merits. And yes, Merits do give u materialistic stuffs too. That's why the value of Merits are great. I shall say, priceless. Even more valuable than money.

As the saying goes, "There is no free lunch at this world". Yes its true, so please reflect, what you get but did not pay a cent for, they still didnt come for free. What u owned, obtained, whether its materialistic or unmaterialistic, always have a price to pay. For example, I got Nike clothes and shoes. Branded. Yet not from my pocket. I can be happy, but unknowingly, I might have paid for them. Paid with? My Merits, probably. Paid to? Whoever I got the clothes and shoes from. If cant pay? Owe that "someone" and pay back with interest as time goes.
So? Moral of Story: Dont owe anyone, coz u will need to pay back with interest".

I hope the ones around me, my parents, my beloved teachers, my dear ones, friends and relatives will be able to receive this priceless gift I got through my ordaination. Being a monk is in fact, not easy. Need to abide his 10 Precepts, and restrain himeself from doing unwholesome actions. What r 10 Precepts?
1. No Killing
2. No Stealing/Robbing
3. No Sexual Misconduct, or any Sexual related thoughts and actions
4. No Speaking of Lies
5. No intake of alcoholic drinks, or intake anything that will lead to intoxication and heedlessness.
6. No intake of food after noon until the next day sunrise
7. No indulgence in entertainment (singing,dancing,watching or participating in enjoyment/entertainment related activities)
8. No beautifying the body with flowers, perfume, cosmetics, jewellery
9. No sitting or sleeping on high and comfortable beds
10.No owning or taking coins and money

That's why I said. My 11 Day stay over there, isnt a holiday. I had to spend my Christmas at the monaestery without Christmas Celebration. Why? Christmas Carols and celebration, or even night dinner are breaking of precepts. So? No singing, no Santa Claus, and no Turkey for dinner. U might think, "Must be Boring", or "if its me i cant tahan". Well, if u ask me what I feel during Christmas. I shall say "normal, all the same". Dont create suffering for urself by self pitying. In the end, u suffer for nothing. Honestly, I miss home during Christmas. I do thought I would spending my Christmas with parents and frenz, not at the monaestery.

So what's life at Santi?
Wake up at 3+a.m. After wearing the robe, proceed for morning chanting(1/2 hr) and medidation(2hr). Do some area cleaning afterwards, and proceed to breakfast. Normally I drink Milo and ate some biscuits or cookies, if possible, eat Maggi Mee. Yes, Maggi on the morning. After meal, help out to see what can be done, or go for a short nap.
10.30a.m. Have another meal. After wearing the robes, I began to take food and put them into my alms bowl. Normally, there will be around 8 tables with 16 trays on top. Each trays are laid with food. Beginning wif Rice (Fried Rice, Yam Rice, Plain Rice etc) to Noodles(Bee Hoon etc) then to Meat (Curry Chicken, Braised pork etc) to Veggie (Curry Veg, Stir fry veg etc) to Snacks (Cakes, puffs, pastries) to Fruits (Watermelon, Apples etc). So? Take abit of food from every trays is sufficient for a full tummy. Take more than that? Lets see if u're bloated.
After collecting the food, laid my alms bowl on a mat and sat in front of it. Began some chanting, such as Dedication of Merits, and began to relish my food. All these procedures normally ended around 10.50a.m. After eating, wash the crockeries and alm bowls. Some monks began to wash, some dry the utensils with clothes, others proceed to sweep and mop the chanting hall.
Normally after meal, we would given tasks to do. Once due to the frequent rain, the soil loosen and cause a big pit on the road which connects outside to the monaestery. Ajahn Keng, the "Abbot" or "Cheif Monk" of Santi ask my friends and I and some others to repair the road. Due to my size, I was to transport sand from one area to the "pit". Yes, 60-70kg of sand on a cartwheel. Due to the heavy load, it requires strength and technique to control the cart especially on "turning" and going downslopes. Well, exercise? I was exhausted after the strenuous "exercise".
Yea, spend my time later until 7p.m. Why? Evening Chanting and Medidation. Chanting(1hr) Medidation(2hr). All ended at 10p.m. Sometimes earlier, sometimes later. I would have a cup of honey before I go to sleep. Before I sleep, I would write down the events happened during the day into my diary. And wake up again at 3+ again.

11 Days. I missed home. I miss my comfortable bed. I am worried. I am worried of my homework. Unease came. I decided to let things goes naturally. I dont wan to create anymore suffering for myself. I still remember, the heavy feeling, the yearning of home becomes lighter on the last day. Leaving on a taxi, I take one more glance back at the monaestery. Finally to say GoodBye. I am happy. Looking at the palm tree plantations and rows of houses as the car pass by, I smiled. Reached City Square. As I had been to City Square once, I take my friends to eat Curry at 3rd or 4th Floor. Its a Malay Indian Restaurant. Ate Chicken Brayani. 7.50 RM. Do some shopping, and becoz of my size, I am the "luggage carrier". Shop until 8 plus, and began to leave M'sia around 9p.m.

At Santi, I did learn things. As what Ajahn Keng said, you yourself are the best teachers. So, you must observe yourself, be mindful of yourself. Do be aware of what you're doing, do observe your thoughts. By this way, u learn. U develop wisdom from knowledge. So, the Ajahns or Bhikkhus at the monaestery rarely "preach", "lecture", or "teach". Only during certain occasions, like during medidation, Ajahn Keng will give a short Dharma Talk. He do give tips about self cultivation. That's very meaningful. What I need to do is to practise what I had learn, tats how I would convert knowledge into wisdom, the true learning process. Tats why my club senior, Xinhao told me, "Santi do guarantee results. Its never a 'wasted' trip. However the reaping of results do depends on individual".

Well shall leave it at here now. Its rather a long post. I thank you for reading.

BS Day

2006-12-13T23:21:00.000+08:00

Finally, I can take a breather. This week had proved to be a rather busy week for me.
Two tests, CAMAC and Mechanics on Thursday and Wednesday respectively, plus a major event of my club, BS Day.
No, not BullShit Day, or Baoshu Day.

BS Day, or Buddhist Society Day, is to commemorate the 40th Anniversary of the club, thus celebrate by organizing an event which consists of dharma talks and drama combined. I am one of those people helping at the backstage during the drama.
What's my job? Cosmetics and Hairstylist In-Charge. Yes, i feel that for someone like me to get such a post is very unsuitable. Although I did complain to President after this job, after some cooling down, I found that its actually the easiest job among the rest. Why? The rest jobs need to take care of AVA, Usherers, Props and Costume, Actors, Emcees etc. While for me, my job consist of finding a team of professionals or people who are equipped with make-up and hairstyling knowledge.

Thinking that things could be done so easily, I began to search for my team around November. At first it starts from Theatre Compass, which later lead me to the in-charge of SP Superstar, who promised me to give me a reply asap. His "ASAP" is very long, I waited for weeks and got no reply. Send him mails and sms but never reply, call his handphone and never pick up. How frustrating. Then on December, around 1 or 2 weeks before BS Day, which is held on 13th Dec, the "in-charge" called me after after a couple of miss calls from me. And guess wat???
He “pang seh” me. He told me at the very last minute that "his" cosmetic team could not make it as they had something on the 13th Dec. I was left dumbfounded. He apologises profusely over the phone, while I told him "its okay, its okay" over and over again. After a "bye bye" I turn to my club mates and told them the bad news.
"Hey, GOOD news. For BS Day, we won’t have cosmetic team le".
Vice President look at me with a "salty" look, and turn his head away. I return him a "bitter" look. Thus, I had to resort to last minute work. Call every girl in the club and ask for them to help and borrow their make-up kit. I don’t believe that my club would be so pathetic that none of the girls would know how to beautify themselves. Well, luckily, I found some, and they are my saviors. Jia Xuan, who told me she had skipped her class on the morning to buy some Cosmetic items at Clementi. I am grateful, yet remorse. Sigh, I caused her to miss her lesson.

Well, she told me “I had done it for you, u know? Shouldn’t u be grateful to me?” on our way to Clementi to buy some foundation. I muttered a “thanks”, and treat her ice-cream. Why? Coz she complained she is tired and thirsty from the journey and wish for ice-cream. I tot that I should give her some “prize” for being so hardworking for the club, and granted her wish. Watching her eating the ice-cream with contentment, I smiled.

BS Day began at 7p.m at Auditorium. I had thought to invite my classmates, but somehow, I did give out my invitation to them indirectly. They saw a poster regarding BS Day on a pillar and asked me about it. I gave them the details, and told them it is free for all. Somehow, I knew they won’t be coming. Maybe 7pm is too late for them to attend the event. Well, it would be best if they could come. Maybe I should give a more proper invitation to them. But that’s just me. Sometimes, I couldn’t speak out what I really wanted to say. Coz that do require courage. Somehow, I don’t know why it would hard for me to give an invitation to my classmates. Maybe they got the feeling that I don’t want them to attend? Who knows..

After 30 min introduction from the emcee, the drama starts. Everyone is feeling nervous during the process; however I am glad that everyone is giving their best for the drama. I gave some encouragement to the actors just in case they are pressurized. Vice President was smiling too. He could see everyone is putting their best effort. I help with the moving and setting of props for every change scenes. And finally, the drama is over after 45 min. everyone is delighted and smiling, some even held up their hands up high and yell “hooray”.

Reflection: Every plan should be well organized and well-planned, and should make alternatives available just in case things don’t go according to the plan. If the in-charge of SP Superstar would give me a reply earlier or confirm with me his make-up team is able to make it, I don’t need to rush for last minute work. I am in the wrong too, I waste too much time to settle one problem. Thus, I need to reflect on my mistakes and do not commit them again. So that I can organize a more better plan next time.

Prepare to Die by Living

2006-12-05T23:06:00.000+08:00

Woke up with a yawn, feeling refreshed. This is the second day of my recovery.
No signs or symptoms of my fever making a comeback. That's a great news. Which means? I am fully recovered. However, I still must take care of my diet. Although there are pasar malam near Yew Tee and Choa Chu Kang MRT Station, I avoid eating any food, especially fried ones (damn the banana fritters), except fruits like guavas and coconuts, or sugar cane juice.

Had a kinda busy day today. Thus, my mental energy depleted just like water gushing out from the tap quickly. After my Thermofluids lecture, which is followed by Mechanics, I felt a sense of nervousness. Why? I am the Star for today's Mechanics class. And I certainly dont volunteer to be one. Why? Troublesome.

The Star, is a specially chosen person, selected by my Mechanics lecturer, Mr. Teo Beng Sai. The role of the Star is to answer questions given or asked by Mr. Teo. Well, the troublesome part is, throughout the whole lesson, the questions and "tasks" such as reading aloud, doing sums etc, will be all done by the Star. And here I am, the Chosen one, to be selected as the Star for this week, which I regarded it as bad luck. Reach the classroom at 3p.m with my classmates beside me, reminding I am the Star today. Chose a seat that is just at the back of the classroom. Sitting next to Mr. SinHan, I hanged my head low while covering my face with a file and some notes.
Lesson Start. The lecturer began his lesson with a smile. I hide my face with more notes and prayed. The feared sentence came, "Audrey, who is the Star today?". Audrey is the Star last week. I kept my head lower, but in vain. My classmates, who all are eager to see some show, began to tell the teacher, "Its Wesley.. Wesley..", followed by "Wesley, dont hide la", "Oei, Wesley, dont play la.." etc. Some "GOOD" classmates I had eh.. Thus, the lesson began with me reading aloud...

When I am going home around 7.30p.m, I was at Dover MRT Station when my friend, Jun Da, told me some guy had commit sucide at Yishun MRT Station of North-South line at morning peak hour, around 7 plus. I was startled, but not surprise. Why? How many MRT sucidal case had happened till now? MRT stations are starting to turn out to be hotspots for sucide. I kept silent for some time while I began to ponder.

What had happened to this society? What had happened to this world?
With better technological advances and growing society, what is the impact of this growth of development to all of us, the commoners living in urban areas? What does modern civilisation meant to people? Greater Stress? More Work? Financial Concerns? Social Problems? Whatever problems we had or faced, does it mean there is no solution to any of them?

The first sucidal case take place at Chinese Garden, when this middle-aged Chinese guy jumped onto the track and got cut into three parts by the incoming MRT train. The public had offered their condolescence to this poor man's family by donating alot of money to them. And this F***ing idiot newspaper or watever media reported the sum of money donated is around $500,000. It should be common sense that money figures should not be reported to the public. Why? As the saying goes "Money is the root of all evil", the "item" which can be used to trade our materalistic desire. As "Desire from Greed is endless", thus money is always not enough. Reporting to everyone how much money u have would earn you a risk of being rob.
Lets say, Huang Na case. The father of Huang Na, did not disclose the exact amount of donations he collected from fellow kind hearted souls. Although newspaper did disclose its 5 or 6 digits, but we never knew exactly how much. It could be 10,000 or 100,000. Its reported that relatives and friends would like to have a share of that big pie, and even went to appeal.
The newspaper reporting the 500,000 amount is as though as open a new option for desperate "money minded" people. In exchange of one's own life for a stinky amount of 500,000, the idiots jumped on the MRT tracks. And to make sure its a clean and quick death, these smart "asses" jump right before the train hit them. Thus, for the next split second, Death would came to welcome them while waving its gruesome reaper.

Tragedy. Sad. These pitiful souls who are so determined to surrender themselves to Death, thinking that they would left their family with a symphathetic amount of 500,000 from the public. Its even more depressing to know, they died a meaningless death; leaving behind their loved ones weeping in tears with maybe just 20 bucks for a few days of chicken rice. Maybe Prudential or Great Eastern can help them? Sigh..
WHY? Are humans such fragile creatures? What make us so weak? Can we handle them? Throughout the milleniums, if every human is so weak both mentally and physically, can we have such present scientific and technological advancement. No! Becoz we humans can learn to be preservere and be determined, that's why we made to what we are today.

What I would like to concluded is: Be Strong and Walk Ahead. For me, as a guy, the balls dont exist for nothing. At least, to me, they represent guts and strength. So brace forth and walk ahead. Just like what my mom told me after I told her about the sucidal case, "Dont Be Stupid".

Recovery

2006-12-05T01:21:00.000+08:00

Monday, 4th Dec 2006, Cloudy and Windy

Finally, I recovered from my illness. A Fever.
Its been years since I caught a fever, thus u can say that I am someone who dont fall sick easily. I guess its something to do with the food I ate. What did I ate leh? Tell ya, its just 3 pieces of banana fritters sold at the pasar malam. This 1 dollar cheap food actually cost me more than itself.

It made me stay on bed for the whole Sunday. Drained of energy and overcame by dizziness, even typing or watching TV is like a heavy chore. With every staggering step I took, I made my trip to and fro from my room to the kitchen to get water.
After each trip, its a rest of about 2 to 3 hours.
Mom went to work, thus no one take care of me other than myself. Well, I am 18 years old, and of coz I know abit how to deal with a fever. I guess what Doc would say is: Drink plenty of water and get plenty of rest.

Well I did that. And around 8.30p.m, I decided to eat something although I am low on appetite. Fried Rice with Lemon Tea. That is the best food I could get around that time. Drank some tea when I got home. Watch a little of TV and began to pack up my room. 10.30 p.m. Mom came back. Ask me why I dint fold the clothes on the sofa. I told her I got a fever. A very good excuse eh? Mom got concerned of my condition and touch my forehead, asking me why I dint call her during the afternoon. I reply,"Fever is something small." Acting cool uh? Mom said, "U never know. What if the heat damage your brain?". I kept silent.

Sleep at 12 midnite. Broke a cold sweat during my sleep. And the first thing I felt once I got up is a bad tummyache. Rushed to the toilet. 7.30a.m. Late for my CAMAC lesson for sure. Thus I decided to take my own sweet time. Well a patient who just recovered shouldnt rush, u see? I noticed the dizziness that's hanging out with me since yesterday disappeared. Looks like the fever is finally "exorcised". I am glad.

Reach school at 9.20a.m. Just in time when CAMAC lesson ended. If I could be soo punctual for the start of the lesson and not the other way round. Signed for a retest that would take place next Monday 8a.m. Went to Canteen and had Fried Rice with extra serving of veggie. I figured I need fibres badly. Saw my classmates playing cards. Same old Dai Di. Seems like its a very addicting game to them. Addicted to it just like heroin uh? Haha, I'm joking.

Went to Mechanics Class. I tot who I should turn to for help for revision of CAMAC. The first person pop up in my mind is Su Shan. Why her? Coz last Thursday she told Mr. Lim Ah Chey with a confident smile that she got 90 plus for her test. I guess I will ask for her help the next day. Well, if u ask me, "What if she refuse to help leh?". There are so many genius guys in my class. Example, Mr LiLong, Mr Marvin, Mr J, and Mr SinHan are some of the "slack on the surface, hardworking on the inside" people i guess. Or maybe they do some last minute study and manage to absorb the whole subject in, just like a genius? I dont know, ask them. But I still hope Su Shan will teach me. Why? Hehehe.. coz ah .. I dont want to tell you.. -.-

I cant believe I just got a terrible fever just yesterday. Why? I am playing badminton with my friend during break. Went to CADD class with colder sweat. Maybe I should bring myself a long sleeve shirt and an extra piece of clothing next time. No matter what, I am still a Just recovered patient, u know? Must take care of body ma..

That should be all for today. Although I had fallen sick, I am glad there are still people who ask me "how are u?" when I came back to school. That's rather comforting. Blog ends here..

The Way of Life

2006-11-29T23:46:00.000+08:00

Life is just a long long journey.
We choose our paths, make our choices and determine our Way of Life.

Just like a long distance traveller, we trek through forest and jungles, cross rivers and streams, climb hills and mountains. With the aid of equipments; the Compass of Heart, a spirit of burning determination and perserverence, we guide ourselves to a destination where we want to be.

Through the journey, we create our own adventures, we search for our friends. We learn through experiences and mistakes, braving through fire and water, emerging as the victor.

However, life is consist of one main objective: Keep Walking On..
We need to keep walking on, to make our life a fruitful and meaningful one. Thus, we must not give up in ourselves halfway.

Once, I was having a P.E lesson at Sec 4, which consist of running around the school thrice after a morning stretching exercise. After one round of speed running, I was out of breath. Breathing heavily, I felt exhausted due to the strain on my legs. I told my P.E teacher, Mr Hashim, that I couldnt run anymore.
Mr Hashim take a look at me, shook his head and say, "Wesley, just run. If you cant run, walk. If you cant walk, crawl. Do not stop, do not give up halfway. Whatever you did, just make sure you complete your run."
I am so inspired and motivated by this speech that I, eventually complete my run. Although I walk mostly to complete my run, I felt a sense of achievement.
So, perservere and continue to walk on. I dont care if you equipped yourself with a "Void Stone" and "Ring of Health", just keep walking on.

Life can be full of opportunities and hope, it can also be boring, dull and as negative as you want to be. This shall be the difference between an optimist and a pessimist respectively. We dont need to lead a successful life; a rich businessman, or a highly respectable person; in order to live a meaningful life. Just do your best every day, put in your full effort, live day by day with full gusto, in the end, although it might not make you a successful business man or a highly respectable person, at least u get a sense of achievement by the end of the day.

Although I couldnt fulfil my objective of "put in my full effort" everyday, I tried my best. After each day, I asked myself "What had I achieve today?". If its nothing, I told myself I will achieve something tomorrow. Maybe 2 rounds around the stadium? Or 4 laps swimming in the pool? This is my Way of Life.

I met obstacles during my way. I feel that I am a lazy and immatured person. I feel that I am inadequate in certain aspectts. I feel that I should speak out more, and interact with girls. So Life isnt that boring, there is always work to be done, and more room for improvement. I believe a boring life exist in the view of an idle person, a total useless lazybum.

So, whatever you do, whether its a success or a failure, just keep moving on.
Walk. Walk Ahead.

Help..

2006-11-28T01:05:00.000+08:00

I reach home around 12.20a.m, due to staying out with my clubmates and delay due to a short shower. Went straight for a bath before updating my blog.

Monday, 27th Nov 2006, Mood:Dull, Weather:Rainy Day

I realise that alarm clocks could not wake me up any longer. I woke up at 8 a.m today, just right on time of my first class. CAMAC, my worse subject now. After I attend Mechanics, I am told that I failed my CAM test, and thus I would be sitting for a retest. I felt remorseful. I dont know how to write a program well, which is required for the subject.

After Mechanics, when to see my Lecturer, Sung Ying. One look at the paper and I got a sickening feeling. Flipping through the paper with my fingers, I felt hopeless for just another time. My heart sank. I cant bear to take another look at the paper to see just how badly I had done, how badly I had failed myself, and as I return the paper to my Lecturer, the glance she gave me just couldnt soften my disappointment.
Everything felt like a slap on the face, or even worse.
I wonder, when was the last time I felt this feeling?
"Wesley, u ought to buck up. U need to help yourself this time, or else no one else can help u" is what my Lecturer said.
I said nothing, looking at her with my head down, I replied with a nod.
My classmates beside me didnt say anything. After we walk out of the room, they are smiling and discussing in a light tone about their results. Its as though they are relieved from a heavy burden. Maybe they felt relieved not to be in my position. They dint say anything to me, they dint try to console me watever. I guess they find it difficult to say something, or dont know what to say to me.

I thought, "Who can I turn to for help in class?". No one. My classmates? Maybe..
The guys, whenever I asked them a question, they sometimes give cheeky answers. They give answers that are either opposite, or try to make me guess, or just refuse to teach me. It make me feel not to ask them questions anymore. Why? I asked when I am really helpless, and do I really need to go for the extra mile, put in another extra effort to get an answer to just a question? Is it so difficult to answer my questions? Why must make me feel so hard to approach and ask? Yes, some of them give me answers I needed or try to give me a satisfactory answer whenever i approach. Thus, I am grateful.
The girls? Honestly, when I wanted to ask something, one look at them and I just went tongue tied. I cant speak out, and cant approach. Maybe its this attitude that also prevent them from approaching me. Pathetic..

While walking to the lift from the staffroom, Terence noticed my dull behaviour and tried to console me a little. "Wesley, u seem to be affected by the results. Are you okay?". I reply, "Yes" while trying to maintain a calm face. Internally, I am crying.
Went for a walk to cooldown. Every step increase my heartbeat rate and adrenalin level, making me feel like hitting something. And I did. Hit my fist against the way, force my palm down on the metal bars. It hurts. But the heart hurts more. When I notice there are bruises on my fist, I stop hitting. Went to the Clubhouse for a rest. I feel so angry and helpless, with myself. And I know it well that it wont change anything even if I feel this way.

I realise I could only help myself. If others dont want to help me, I only can help myself. In this society, we need to learn how to be strong. Then we can independently develop ourselves to greater heights. But how I hope, my classmates, especially those who know or score A for their modules, to give me a helping hand. Becoz I know I would take a longer time to struggle with myself and doubts. I guess it wont turn out this way. I am not blaming my classmates. I just blame myself. But I hope other people can help me in the name of kindness, compassion. I sweared silently, "Wesley, Buck Up okay? U will do it alright. Everything will be fine." This is how I console myself when I met in a tight situation.

I wonder why this test results is affecting me soo negatively. I dont know. I remember a question I asked my mom long long ago while I was a kid. "Mom, when I need help, what should I do?". Mom reply with a smile, "Ask for help."
Help. Help! HELP! Can anyone hear me? Can anyone hear my plea?
What's my problem? My academic studies, I dont understand. I tried reading notes, but still dont understand. I ask, and got ignored. Ask teacher, and they tell me to read my notes. I dont know how many times I asked for help, but..
Is there any problem with myself? Yes, and it must be the main problem. My laziness. At least I think I am lazy. I am just not working hard enough. Maybe an extra effort will do.

There is a chinese saying, "When there is a will, there is a way." Meaning? If you have the determination, and dont lose hope, there will be a way in the end. This is the first time I feel helpless totally in Poly. But what can i say?
"Look ahead, Believe in yourself. In the end, through determination you will find the way." And also, remember to say Help when needed.

Help.

Light of Hope

2006-11-26T22:23:00.000+08:00

I dont know how many times I edited this post. I dont know how many times I pause typing after each sentence.
Why? I am unsure of what to write. I dont have a topic in my mind to write on.
Thus, I decided to be truthful to myself, and just write without thinking.

I received the report from SGH one week after my last checkup. Well, Doc says there is nothing wrong with my ear. But there are some inborn abnormalities. From the X ray scan, Doc says my ear coil is about two rounds, while normal people have an average of 2.5 rounds. As it was inborn, its useless to have an operation.
Doc says, "U have two options. One, wear a hearing aid. Two, ignore it."
I asked Doc whether aids are installed externally or internally.
He reply that aids acted as a speaker from external to internal, thus the sound detector is wear on the ear lobes externally, and the speaker is inplanted internally. Thus, there is a risk of ear infection, so must be careful.

Ear infection?? That means, no swimming. And I had began my swimming practices to build up my stamina. No way I am letting one sickening infection to stop my training. I am 18, had a long way ahead, and I can hear well now. Thus, I decided to skip this time to wear a hearing aid.

Thus, I told Doc in a determined tone "Not this time". Doc take a look at me, nod his head and told me to come for a checkup half a year later. I left SGH without any regrets. Why? I think that Checkups only reveal the superficial facts. So what with a hearing of 40Db and a ear coil of 2 rounds? What I must do, is to cope with it, and improve my hearing. I feel that I know my hearing problem best, and I know people would understand my situation and speak louder. So for the time being, let it be this way, naturally.

Recently I did some recall on my memories. Just how many crushes did I have in 18 years? I wondered, and thought the first crush I had is during Primary School. In Pri 6, I like Li Jia, a classmate of mine at tat time. "Any reasons?" if some of u might ask. "Well, its the way she tie her hair". Its the truth. The first thing I look at girls, is their hair. From hair to face, from face to eyes, from eyes to body. Just like a scanner, scan from head to toe.

"What type of hairs do u like leh?" is what some of my friend would ask me next.
Do you know how questions can be so irrelevant or insensible? U know, when I like something, I dont like it for just one reason, or summed it all up to a single definition. Like/Love is not Chemistry or Physics, there is no definite Laws to this and formula to that. For example, I like Blue. But there are Navy Blue, Light Blue, Aqua etc. Although I prefer Navy Blue, that doesent imply that I dislike the rest Blues. I like all of them, but I like Navy Blue best.
So, if u show me a variety of girls with combinations of the features I like about (e.g. silky long black hair), I can say I like all of them. Yes, that's the point when it comes to fickle minded.
However, if asked to choose one out of all the varieties, one from all the color Blue, it all lie down to one simple sentence, "Depends on situation". In the case of girls, it would depend on feeling. Do I click well with Aqua girl or I click well with Navy Girl?

Do not misunderstand what I am trying to say. I am not encouraging multi-dating.
I dont mean "Oh!Wesley say to find my partner would mean to engage in multi-dating to see which girl/guy I click well with". Whoever thinks like this, dont say Wesley say one. Mr West dont encourage in multi-dating. Why?
Let nature take its course. Let Love sprout in time. This is what Youth is suppose to be. Enjoy and savour your Springtime of Youth slowly. What's the rush for? Are you rushing for a baby? If u wan a baby, do it with a prostitute and u have one.
As a guy, we seek for a wife with moral values and qualities. A woman who can hold the responsibilities of a household, and taking care of her family. Thus, careful selection is important. Its a lifetime commitment, u see?

In a relationship, commitment and sincerity work things out. I am more traditional type of guy, thus for those "modern" type who dont think the way I do, well, its their problem. For people who dont feel ready to commit but want to try out a relationship, I feel that its fine. Really really fine. Why?
Just like treading on the water carefully to test the depth before u take the plunge, Just like playing with the fire without getting burned.
Dont be the idiot who just dive and got drown, or the moths who sucided themselves in the flames. To me, for a relationship to start, sincerity is the key. When the feeling kicks in, the relationship can progress. Whatever happen after next, I dont know. Its up to the couple, or the stage of development.

Why am I saying all these? Well, its just a resolution I came out with after my recall of memories. As a guy, I do have crushes. Till now, I saw alot of Blues, and Navy Blues as well in my poly. I came up with the resolution to remind myself not to be fickle minded. For a guy who dont have a girlfriend, a relationship is quite tempting. I am tempted to make my first move with a girl I have a crush on. But I always restrain, telling myself I am not ready yet. I am troubled.
A dilemna would explain my situation. Should i make the first move, or not? Maybe someone can give me an answer? Let the post ends here.. Sleeping soon..

Do not Kill. Be Compassionate!

2006-11-18T00:11:00.000+08:00

Friday, November 17th 2006. Down with flu and slight fever.

Woke up at 4a.m this morning and began to study Thermofluids. As I had drifted off to sleep with my fan blowing at me with full power, forgetting to cover myself with blankets, the flow of mucus followed by sneezing came as frequently as possible after I woke up. Reach school around 7.45a.m. My Thermofluids lecturer advised me to come for future tutorials or practicals; "Or else God cant save you" is what he said. 8.30a.m, Thermofluids test start. I did fairly well, and of coz had a high confidence that I will pass. However, Bad News always come after a Good News; the flu turn bad during afternoon and I started to cough out phlegms.

Dr Wesley Prescription: Too much heat in body. Do not eat heated food (e.g. chili), fried food, cold drinks, and chicken. Do drink plenty of water, had plenty of rest.

Tips: To determine the heat from the body, check the intensity of the yellowish green color of phlegm. If its dark green, u need to drink alot of water to get rid of excess heat. If its light green, u still need to drink water, or else it will develop into sore throat.

Drank some water before proceed to Maths Tutorial. Sat beside Farhan during class.
Farhan sang to me "Kiss Goodbye" by Wang Lee Hom; which give me goosebumps; during class. Why? Well, Kiss Goodbye is a love song, and for a guy to sing to a guy is ....
I understand that Farhan got a good voice and probably would like to show me his talent of singing Chinese songs despite being a Malay. I do appreciate his good intention of entertaining me in class in case I got bored. But I dont enjoy most of it. I even got told off by teacher for "playing" in class. LOL..

By the end of the final lesson, which is Mechanics Tutorial class, I felt a sense of dizziness and abit of headache on my head. Walking around the bazaar and wondering if this feeling come from lack of sleep or illness. I deduced that illness is the main culprit, thus Dr Wesley gave me his advice:

Dr Wesley Prescription: Lack of water, dehydration. Body temperature will increase due to dryness internally. Hydration is needed asap.

Thus, I went to the nearest water cooler and drink my fill. However, no matter how much i drink, it was never enough. Seems like a sick person need more water than a regular well person. Despite the measures taken, the diziness progressed to a slight fever at 8p.m. Went to Ginza Plaza at Clementi around 8.45p.m with DX to meet Yi Ping. Yi Ping work in Apple Optics at Ginza. She brought us to a roti prata shop, where I had mushroom cheese prata. Fancy having a prata when I am already sick. LOL!

Mom was watching a video when I reach home. No, not porn. But a video which promotes anti-killing activities of animals. Meaning? Including animals that can be eaten and fly in the sky, trots or glides on land or even in water. Why? Coz it endanger that animal species, leading to extinction, and animals do carry deadly diseases. For example snakes.

China do feast on snakes' flesh, or use it for another purpose. For example, making snake wine, snake soup, or even eat it with steamboat. One discouraging factor to feast on snakes's flesh is due to the large amount of parasites exist in the snake's body. In the belly of snakes, it do contain up to 4 types of tubular worms. Why snakes have worms leh?

For instance, the habitat of one of the parasite (i forget the name) is in freshwater, and usually reproduce in the form of sacs which contain alot of eggs. The eggs will mature in 3 weeks time, and live on freshwater animals such as frogs, tadpoles, either in the intestines or just beneath the skin.
As snakes do prey on frogs, that is how the parasites go in. These parasites are a tough thing to kill, able to survive in high and low temperature from -10 degrees to 100 degrees Celsius. Meaning? Even if u put it into freezer or in boiling water, it wont die. Impressive?

So for people who like snakes soups or eating at steamboat; which is just plainly cutting snake meat into cubes, the temperature or short period of time in contact with boiling water will not be enough to kill the worms. Thus, tadaa, it went into human body, gaining a free pass or "entry card" automatically to any of your body or organs. It can live in the digestive system, or just beneath the skin. Worms do know how to enjoy and pick the nicest and comfy places, thus it usually would choose its habitat somewhere in the eye(around the eyeball) or even at the brain, causing huge swelling and infection. Sad to say, for such case, its very difficult even for doctors to handle. U may ask, "we do chew on the worms. How the worms survive leh?". Well, I dont guarantee all the worms die from all that chewing, even if it do die, the sacs dont die, and when the sacs dont die, 3 weeks later worms will be in ur tummy, unless you got an excellent digestive system that can purge it out.

In Buddhism, we talk about Karma. Meaning? Cause and Effect. All beings, whether you are a dog or a human being or even down to a worm, are affected by Karma. The doing of an action is the cause, and the result from that action is the effect. From that single action will trigger a series of events that will determine the fruit(effect).

U may ask, "Is Karma a bad thing?". I shall say "it depends". Whatever actions we do will depends on our INTENTION.
Just like how a plant can grow and bear its fruits, it will be determined by the way we grow it. If we nurture the plant with intentions such as care and love, the plant may grow healthily and even bear sweet fruits. If we plant with intentions such as anger or hate, I dont think the plant can grow healthily, or may even die.

However, good intentions alone are not enough. THE ACTION ITSELF will determine the effect too. For example, if we grow a plant with tender love and care, with appropriate fertilizing and watering of the plant, it will grow healthily and bear sweet fruits. If we grow a plant with tender love and care, but with over usage of fertilizers or flooding the plant with water, do u think the plant can grow well?
Therefore, the INTENTION before commiting an action and the ACTION ITSELF are equally important.

If we eat snakes' flesh and got infected by parasites, we are just bringing harm to ourselves. Not the snake's vengeance or watever crap. The snake is dead and cant do anything to you. The question is:
Why do we even eat the snake in the first place?
If u eat chicken and contracted Avain Flu, why do we eat chicken on the first place?
"Coz tummy hungry"? Or "Coz I wan to eat chicken meat"?
I am not saying that we cant eat chicken or even snakes. I am saying that eating these animals will bring a risk to ourselves. A risk to get infected by parasites and Avain Flu. And its not the watever chicken's or snake vengeance's fault for eating their flesh.
U may even wan to argue that its impossible to eat snake or contract Avain Flu from poultry in Singapore. Yes, be thankful that Singapore have such an effective health control system, but just know "we reap what we sow". I just said there is a risk. To prevent such a risk, it will be best to go vegetarian. For people who dont have such health system in their countries, see how many of them died from Avain Flu? Becoz of just one guy who contract Avain Flu and began infecting those around him, the whole world is affected. Do we realise how many chickens are killed and how many people suffer and it just start from a single guy who slaughter chickens?
Thus, do not belittle Karma, a small action can result to be something very big, depending on the nature and intention of that action, will determine its fruit. So? We must be careful, and we must understand what we are doing. Do be mindful of our own actions.

Lastly, if eating animal's flesh will bring a risk to ourselves, it will be better not to eat them, or even kill them. Killing is a very bad action, and it makes us less compassionate. I wont be surprised if u tell me that Uncle Butcher who sell and slaughter chicken at the market is very fierce and short in temper. Compassion can be start from no-killing. And from Compassion, Kindness and other good things will come by. So start from today, lets promote anti-killing. =)

My fever is starting to get better. Time to rest. Once again, I thank you for reading this post. May you be well and happy! Sadhu~

Reflection..

2006-11-16T02:33:00.000+08:00

Wednesday, November 15 2006, Rainy Season.
On this day, I dint go for classes. However that dosent mean I can slack the whole day at home and entertain myself in comics or some TV shows. Why?

No.1: Totally meaningless, I done it before and realised that I accomplish nothing at the end of the day
No. 2: I got work to do. Seems that my idleness is not allowed, thus there is always work..

Thus, I left my home at 1130a.m, with a ten minutes walk to the MRT Station and another 30 minutes to reach Dover MRT, I would probably reach Dover around 12.15p.m.
My classes end at 12 thus I am a free man. But it seem Heaven is dissatisfied with my lazy character, thus it sent a shower as soon as I stepped into SP. Looking at the grey sky with fat raindrops pelting down, I sighed. I sighed becoz it signifies a dull day ahead.

I love rain, and detest rain at the same time.
I enjoy walking in the rain, getting myself drenched from head to toe. I thought of rain as a natural process of cleansing or purification of body, mind and soul.
The water felt as though its cleaning my impure self, leaving behind a better and more original self, thus had a cool and soothing effect. This sensation, can only be felt from a shower, and I dont recommend people to walk on a thunderstorm or drizzle.
Why? I dont WALK on a thunderstorm, I RUN. Run for your life. Run before the lightning strikes, run before the trees fell and crush u flat. A drizzle, is too small to have much effect.

Today is a shower. But it came at a wrong time. I dont walk in the rain at school.
That is too plain stupid, although I did bring extra clothing. But that clothing is for another purpose, I had intended to go swimming.
Although Heaven send rain at a wrong timing, that does not affect or change my love for it.

First trip, Bazaar. While I am browsing at the stall, the students from SPSU are busy tying nylon or plastic sheets around the Bazaar. Ate a few curry puffs and samosas, which is delicious, and bought biscuits. The stall tender is so passionate to introduce me to her biscuits that I cant refuse to buy. Well, u may visit the Bazaar someday, coz the food are nice. For the rest, which sells female assessories, bags, dosent perk my interest to it. Why? I dont need it, and I dont have a girlfriend.

Since I cant swim, I went to SPBS (Buddhist Society) Clubhouse for a rest. Have a game of chess with a clubmate Chun Ming, and waited pateintly for 3.30p.m. Venerable Chun Hui, the club's spritual advisor would arrive to give a dharma talk for two hours. My dear President and Vice President put me in charge of future dharma talks and activities. I dont reject, or rather I cant reject. As Organising Secretary of SPBS, whose objective is to plan and organise activities, its my role to accept. Another reason is, although they dont say it from their mouth, I understand I am slacking too much and thus they gave me some work to do.
What I have to do:
Organise two Dharma Talks, one Article Sharing every month. These events shall be carry out on every week Wednesday. And publicise the weekly activities to members.

Recently, I find that I am not being myself. Feeling dull all day long. Dint talk much, or rather dont have much to talk on. From a book, it says "for people experiencing emotional depression, mood swings etc, might be affected by diet, or hormones. One friend of mine told me, maybe I am having a PMS. I tell him to fuk off.
PMS my foot. I am not a girl. Guys do experience emotioanl depression or even mood swings, but that is not PMS! I decided to check on my diet, and exercise more frequently. Why? I cant stand the freaking comments of something like "hormone imbalance" or "PMS"..

My classmates may seem to notice my "dullness",coz they are not being as active as usual. Or maybe they are having PMS? Hahaha, if they are, i gonna laugh for a whole day. Visit the class blog and saw a pic of me posing for boxing taken ages ago, which looks rather silly to me. Well, what i can do for now is, be as active as possible. I found that I restrict myself talking to girls, which is disturbing. That dosent imply I am a gay. Maybe I am too shy? I know guys should take the intiative to approach a girl. Why? Coz a girl dont make the first move. Guess I should make my first move now..

Woke up at 2a.m. and cant sleep anymore. I decided to revise a little for CAMAC and Thermofluids. Nothing much happened today, thus this post might sound boring. I hope all would be better next day..

End of E learning Week

2006-11-12T16:13:00.000+08:00

Finally back home, my Home Sweet Home..

Its at last, Sunday. The end of E learning week. What awaits later would be a series of "simple" test, as told from my lecturer. What dread me the most is the test on Monday, tomorrow, CAMAC. Yes CAMAC.. full of programming codes and procedures of writing, however i have no confidence. Rather than whining here and await my doom, I'm prepared to make my last remaining time to study and build up my confidence. That is the Way of Wesley. One principle, "Dont Give Up".. I wonder how much my endurance can last.. I knew cant last very well.. but I will do it :)

What have i done in my E learning week? I am ashamed to say that I had not done anything. I am the total slacker here, yes, but since i chose to go this way, I dont regret. Walk and Build your own road, and learn your own mistakes from it, that will lead to sucession in life.

Today I got the final present from my First Aunt. No, not Nike anymore. It is a new pair of spectacles. Yes I changed my specs today, and I like it very much. On account of my aunt, the boss of the shop gave a discount for it. Thus, the spectacles cost $65. The original price would be much more if a discount was not given. Why Boss give the discount? My aunt is considered as a Silver member, as he told me so, thus a special discount would be granted.

Bought some ingredients to make wanton or "Yun Tun" in Chinese. Yes dont be surprise, I do know how to cook, but only simple dishes. And wanton is a new dish for me, so I'm practising it. The other reason I decided to cook wanton is becoz, it taste good :)

Time to study CAM later.. sigh, buck up le..

Happy Birthday To Me!

2006-11-11T22:59:00.000+08:00

11th November, 10.55p.m. Location: At my Grandma's house (Bedok)

It had been a long time since i update my blog, I'm sure an amount of dust had collected during my absence of updating.
Thus, here i am, to update my blog again, and also for a special occasion, which is the day i was born 18 years ago.

It had been a rather busy week for me, thus I do not find the mood to blog, or rather dont know what to blog. After I had put my blog addresses on my MSN, i knew some of my classmates manage to find the time despite their "busy" schedule to post lame comments on my blog. Example "Mr Smith"

Why "Mr Smith" leh? If u ask me this question, i had stated that "Mr Smith" is lame, and whoever who wrote it, is "lame" and I'm not lame, thus, please ask a lame person for a better idea. U can ask my classmates too, lets welcome SIN HAN and his accomplices to know more about it. For better information, do contact DME2B01. =P

I had a great class, fun classmates and even good friends. So i cant complain much about school. The guys are an obnoxious and active lot, most of them are cheeky, but SOME of them are EXTREMELY cheeky. I shall not say who, but I think i can refer one of them as Mr J, the number 1 hyperactive guy who told me boldly that he created the game "Ogre"..

U might ask, what is "Ogre"? Well since Mr J told me soo confidently on my face that he is the one he created it (i guess there are similar games but different names), i guess it wont be a surprise if anyone of u except students of 2B01 had not heard it. Let me proudly present to u, what "Ogre" is all about..
I shall announce that this game may promote violence and thus its rated as NC16,
and it would be best for a first aider or ready to have someone dial 999 before the game commence.
Find a group of people (min 2) and the one who play Ogre is blindfolded with a cloth and allow to have a water bottle in his hand.
The other players (who is not Ogre) will also have a stick or something that can poke on their hands, but not blindfolded.

Game Rules:
The players can poke Ogre on the body using the stick. The Ogre can fight back with the bottle on his hand. The players who was hitted by Ogre would considered as "dead" and drop out from the game.

Now it seem that its a children game. But think of it, replace the sticks and water bottle into something like Heineken Beer Glass Bottles, wont it be terrifying? That is why a first aider should be near by. For 999 is for the poor "Ogre" (in case the Ogre is too power, it would be the players, or both) to accuse the players for assault and attempt to murder. Well that would be enough to send someone to jail for 5 years. :)

This game is told to me from Mr J's mouth himself, thus it comes from a SUPER RELIABLE source, and we can conclude that Mr J is a crazy and slack person who had the passion or even the time to think of such violent games. We can judge from this that he could be a psycotic, and one day if u see him muttering to himself, please do not hestitate to call Woodbridge Hospital. I hope to seek the cooperation of DME2B01 since there is a high risk which could endanger alot of people into hospital beds.

Back to the main topic, played pool with my friends at Clementi Recreational Centre.
Why? Coz it cost $2.60 per hour before 3.30pm. I was late and arrive there at 11.30a.m. and had my fun with my buddies. After pool its lunch at Mary's Place near the carpark. The food is really good, a Thumbs Up for it and I do recommend to people to eat out there. I know the Recreational Centre is abit far from Clementi MRT, but it just some distance away (7 min walk). Guys, i know it might be abit ulu ulu, coz not much ppl do go there, except the residents, but I still do recommend Mary's Place coz the food is great. If u see there's no customer inside, its not the problem of the food, its the problem of the location. And I'm here, trying to promote the restaurant to anyone who read this blog. U may have a date there, and it cost about 3 dollars for a meal. Ambience is "not bad" but the food is "great" =)

Halfway through my meal, Cheong, another old friend of mine, delivered and gave me my birthday present. What is it?? Well, its a Deathnote notebook.
The book is made to be like the original in the movies, with "Instructions Manual" on the first few pages and some names supposed to be written by "Kira". The main difference is I dont see any Shinigami (God of Deaths) when i touched the book (maybe i need apples?), or whatever things i wrote it will be come true. However, I still like the note, and do enjoy writing someone's name inside. Do u want to be one of them? Warning, Heart Attack after 40 seconds.

Met my aunts at Marina Square at 7.30p.m. My First and Second Aunt bought me clothes, and yes its Nike. The clothes are Nike, the Bermudas are Nike, the Sandals are Nike and even the Socks are Nike. Nike, Nike Nike...
And if u ask me, "do i get sponsored by Nike?" one day u see me Nike from head to toe, it do say "yes". Why? My aunts are the sponsors themselves :P
And i do get sponsor by Adidas, why? One of my relatives gave me a bag of clothes and it contain some Adidas shirts. Some wonderful relatives I had.
I shall say I'm a very fortunate person to own such durable goods, I'm very happy. And yes, I am contented. I have enough of Nike and Adidas, and please I am no rich man.

12.05am, i end the blog. My birthday is over and I'm officially 18. My time of birth is around 7 i think, thus I am already 18 years old hours ago.
Once again, Happy Birthday to Me! Alot of my friends do forget its my birthday today, but its alright. I dont wish for anything now :)

Happy Halloween!

2006-10-31T09:10:00.001+08:00

Awakened by the cool morning breeze, i rose up from my bed, yawning. My body is protesting with refusal to get off the bed as i tried to sit still while hugging my pillow for weight support. Look at my alarm clock, it read 7.30am. Class starts around 8.30, and somehow I'm determined to skip that lesson, although i know i should not.

Fall asleep again and the next moment i woke up, its 8.30. All the more reason to skip school, i would rather get an egg for my attendance for that day rather than giving a bad impression on my teacher. Somehow, most of my lecturers dont appreciate my effort to get into class even though I am late. Most of my friends would heck care the whole lesson if they are about half an hour or more late. One of my lecturer said, "its very rude, u know, to be late for class". Yes i understand that, but do give A for effort ;)

Somehow, my body is still reluctant to get out of my comfortable bed. I lifted my feet off the soft mattress slowly and stagger to the toilet. Finally, a new day began. As soon as i stepped out of the washroom, i felt a pain in my stomach. I rushed back into the toilet again and began my business. Whew! Nature Call is one of the enjoyment of life. Why? I dont know, but somehow i feel very comfortable everytime after I answered a nature call. Maybe its the relaxation or soothing effect after the body had got rid of the waste within.

Since i had no classes until 1pm (yes i know i got a morning class), might as well do something meaningful. Switch on my computer and began to online MSN. If u ask me, "Is tat consider to be meaningful?", I will reply,"yes and no". Why? Becoz it depends on situation. I'm bored and thus I feel it will be more meaningful to have a look at my computer. After checking the date and browsing through the net, i realized that today is Halloween Day.

Talking about Halloween, I never even celebrate this event through my 18 yrs of life. I only heard of it. All those "trick or treat" on the streets, wearing a costume and going out into the streets asking candies from neighbours. I wonder why people even celebrate Halloween for. Seriously i dont know. I only know why people left hollow pumpkins with a weird sinister smile outside their door. From a book i read ages ago, people made pumpkins containing human fats. It was believed to be a protection charm against demons. Demons would kill the families living in that house which do not have the pumpkins in their sleep, and left those who did untouched. If u ask me "why demons kill people", i think u ask the wrong person. Coz I'm not a demon and i do not kill people. From the book, it said demons devoured human flesh, and look for victims during Halloween to feast. But HEY! Who knows if this is the answer? And somehow, the human fats is some sort of substitution of food for the demons to relish, or some sort of spell/charm.

I am glad to be in Singapore, coz we dont celebrate Halloween, and if demons do wander here, I think either it lost its sense of direction, or to do watever business its going to do here. Dont ask me what business Demons do.. alright..

Two tests tomorrow, a practical test for Industrial Automation and a Mathematics test. So it seems to be time for some revision. Adios~

Tired

2006-10-29T08:43:00.000+08:00

Woke up about 6am this morning, the sky remained dark until 7am
when my surroundings began to cover by a light blue glow.

I slept around 8pm yesterday night, 28th Oct. Why? Becoz I'm too tired.
Went to Lot 1 with Mom yesterday, to buy a new handphone.
My handphone is old and battered, with no camera system and its about 5 years old.
One big irritation is its newly added function:
Auto-Shutdown, i called it.
Whenever i try to call someone, or carry it in my pocket, it will turn off automatically. Why? I dont know.
And i cant sms to all Starhub users. Why? I also dont know.
Such reduction in efficiency of my handphone made me decided to change a new one.
Thus, Mom and I visited the M1 outlet to check the prices.

We're browsing on the Handphones displayed on the shelves, and greeted by a beautiful young Sales Consultant.
In a minute as soon as i step into the outlet, i found some facts:
Fact Number One: Sales Consultant are mainly girls. (Got guys, but i only saw one)
Fact Number Two: The attire of M1 Sales Consultant for girls is a M1 Shirt with a zip in the middle till upper abdomen, and a short skirt. (No zip for guys)
Fact Number Three: They must be good or average in looking. (Neat in appearance)
If you wonder why it is like this, you will be glad, coz i found answers for it.

Mainly for first impression. In this case, a neat attire and a better looking appearance would make customer feel comfortable to approach. For girls, that attire would make them more sexy looking, and may "psycho" guys more easily into a deal.
How i know? I ask the sales consultant of coz.. :P

I'm not a pervert kay? I'm just observant and want to share these interesting info.
And my objective is of coz, buy a new phone.
Bought a Nokia 6233 3G Silver/Grey color phone for $98 and signed M1 Line for 2 years. Mom bought the same model as mine, but its black.

Somehow, I'm more interested in the Sales Consultants than the phone. =D
The one attending to us got a nice voice, like Yang Chen Ling's(Really la),nice eyes(double eyelids) and a sweet smile, and zip her shirt to a little above chest level.
I look at the other two sales consultants. One of them got a fair complexion(SK II whitening i think)and got her shirt zip to a level where one can see abit of her bra.
The other one is more tanned in complexion and normal looking. However, this one is more conservative, dint zip like the first one (I prefer girls to be conservative)
They do apply light make up, except the consultant attending to us. Disappointing for me? No. Why? I prefer natural beauty.
So much for first impression. Rather, for attention. And it works.
So girls, make use of your looks. Be confident, why? Young looking for once, never again.
Anyway, all of u (especially guys),dont get too high up to visit M1 outlets and nosey pokey into their business (especially the one I visited)

If some of u ask, "dont I like sexy girls?", I reply "Yes, i do". But "sexy" to me is not on dressing skimpily (Short skirt is alright). Its mainly on figure and naturality. Dressing skimpily would lose that natural beauty, or rather I afraid I cant take it. So u can say I am a more conservative type of guy.

As soon as I got home, i fell asleep. I found that my mental power is weak.
Mom told me the reason we feel tired may due to the brainwaves around us.
Our brain do release and absorb brainwaves unconsciously. These brainwaves would affect our mental power, and affecting us positvely or negatively.
Its the same with the hospital visit on Friday. I feel tired as soon as I walk out of the hospital.

Mom told me that no one will feel happy in the hospital. Coz, hospital is a sad place. Families who got worried for their loved ones on the verge of death would release negative brainwaves. Its a "whole hospital" of brainwaves (mostly negatve) unconsciously on you every moment in the hospital, thus we will be tired easily.

When we are tired, we do release brainwaves too. We release brainwaves with "tired" to others around us unconsciously. Thus, others will feel tired too.
Try it out. Have a shopping at Lot 1 at the basement for an hour around 5 to 6pm. U will feel tired easily. Why? People caming back from work are tired, thus these "tired" brainwaves will affect u. U will feel amazed by how much u will regain your mental energy or energetic as soon as you walk out of Lot 1.

Looks like there is more reason for me to do medidation. Sigh :)

Acceptance is a Gift

2006-10-28T01:42:00.000+08:00

Went for a checkup at Singapore General Hospital on Friday,27th Oct regarding my hearing problems. Sat for a series of test, and Doctor tells me the results are not appealing. Why not appealing? Becoz the result shows that i could only detect sound levels as low as 40 Decibel, whereas most of us could detect lowest to 10db. Doc says a surgery on the ear wont work out for me, and thus recommended i wear a hearing aid.

However, I raised objections against wearing hearing aids. It makes me feel like I'm disabled. "Disabled" to me would mean "unable to control, or loss of that specific human function". But I am not deaf, why should i wear a hearing aid? Just to be able to hear sounds of 10db? Somehow, people do talk in levels of around 20Db,and I already couldnt hear the sharpness of the sound around 30+Db. It means I can hear your voice, but I cant hear clearly what you are saying. So raised the volume to around 40+Db then I can hear it. It seems I really need a hearing aid. However, i couldnt accept it.

On the way back, Mom said,"Son, u know I'm doing medidation for the past few weeks. I am able to detect very soft sounds. For example, I could hear you snore."
I reply,"What's the big deal, Mom? I thought my snoring is loud?"
"No, son. Your snoring arent that loud. Its quite soft, ya know?"
"I dont know"
"Anyway, I can hear you tossing around the bed"
"Ya, so? When i toss, the bed might creak. That "yiak yiak" sound should be quite loud to be heard"
"No, I mean the sound of shuffling whenever you make a turn. Its the sound u made by rubbing against the mattress. That "shh" sound u know?"
"I dont know"
"I just want to tell you that my medidation sharpen my hearing. Maybe you can try it too"
"Ok.."

I thought about it, and I wonder. Are we able to detect very soft sounds from the start, but we just dont know? If that answer is yes, why?

But do u know? We ask ourselves very irrelevant questions all of the time. For instance, when we dont know something, we will ask ourselves "how come will turn out like this??" or "what actually happen?" and we will began to "analyse" that something, and "deduce" it. After "deducing", we will "conclude" it. And then we will say "ooooo i see! So that's how it is.."

We thought we know, but we DONT KNOW. If everything is sooo damn easy to comprehend, soooo damn easy to understand just by analysis and deductions, then why most of us have doubts of our lives?? Why are most of us unsure of the next step what to do? why most of us see their lives as a path of full of doubt?
Becoz, we dont know. So, dont THINK too much.
Understanding and learning dosent come by THINKING alone, its by ACTION. Of coz we have to think how to act, but action itself dosent represents the thinking. So think before u do something, dont follow instructions blindly. Dont do anything blindly. Coz that's STUPID.
If we THINK but dint DO, we're just talking on plain paper. I can say alot, its easy. Example "I wanna score A in my exam" but i slack through the semesters, and i fail all my subjects. Why? No action. But i did think.
If i THINK and DO, of coz, i will score distinctions. The process of thinking and doing is where we learn.

If i ask myself "why medidation can sharpen our hearing", why not just try it out?
First of all, of coz u need to know "how to do medidation".
I do think alot, but those answers are filled with doubts. "Is it like that huh?" etc. Actions will confirm me. So I will do medidation to find out the answer.

Back to topic, when Doc says my hearing, based on the results, may be like that since birth. So i could only hear sounds of 40Db all along since young?
I remember myself hearing very soft sounds since I'm around 2 to 3 years old. The shuffling of leaves. I could even hear clearly of what people whisper. But as i got older, it deprove.
However, I still couldnt accept a hearing aid on my ears. Why? If we're visually impaired, we wear spectacles. If we're hearing impaired, we wear hearing aids. Difference is, glasses are common in Singapore (I know contact lens are popular now), hearing aids are not.I hate this difference from the rest. Most of us dont wear hearing aids on their ears, excluding that bluetooth stuff? I dislike the symphathy they will show me, coz I am not deaf, I am not mentally disabled. I just couldnt detect sounds that are too soft.
I just want to be normal. Another reason is, hearing aids are expensive.
How could i bear to put a heavier burden on my Mom just becoz of my ears?
So.. FUK off with the hearing aids. Even with ears like this, life still need to go on. I decided to live with it.

I accept my hearing problems, I cant accept a hearing aid. If we cant accept something, we always find reasons for it. That is why i say, to be able to accept something, is a gift. People with bigger hearts can accept more. My own target, is to accept everything. Discrimination hinders Acceptance. I must not discriminate, however i still do. That is why Acceptance is a gift to be develop. All of us, be glad. Be grateful, and cherish what you have now. Accept what you have, and seek for improvement. Why? Coz all of us are never perfect, thus improvement are always needed.

Why Blog? Why Kong Zi?

2006-10-25T20:58:00.000+08:00

After i stop to blog a long time back, i start to blog again.
I recreate another blog, as i felt that blogs represent a new lease of life.

The blog back then was left untouched for almost two painful years,
and still do record down the painful and heartbreaking old memories.
Alas, time do change people. The present me and the past me are two different personalities, yet the same person. Thus, i felt appropriate to start a new blog again. Coz.. ya know, old memories do hurts.

Memories are like water. Pure, transparent and tasteless in nature, it turns into anything it could encounter with. Add a sprinkle of laughter, a spoonful of love, how sweet it could be. Dip some sadness and tears, it turns dull and grey.
Sweetness it would be for now. Bitter on the next moment.
Life promises became empty promises, everything is not the same again.

When u are reminded of the happy moments of the past, you may cry, laugh, or both.
We cling to those happiness, we want those happiness back again. But could we?
We cant, thus we felt sad and turn dull, as we are reminded of the present moment.
How harsh reality could be, and we are force to accept it. Pain comes, it hurts more.
That's why people say "let go". Past is past, no longer exist. Memories are just a shadow of that event, but not the real thing. Why must we get affected by something that's no longer in this world? Why cant we accept and take everything in our stride?

If you do get bothered by the past, ask yourselves these questions. We might tell ourselves, "becoz we cant" , "becoz i cant forget", "i know it hurts, but wat to do?" etc etc. To me, there's only a solution. Accept and let go, or u just keep on suffer. I know it is not easy for most people, but try ok? I will give you my support.

So, i "let go" of my old blog, and recreate a "present" blog. May this blog filled with happy memories and experiences that would benefit alot of people when they read it. Of coz, i do have reasons for recreating a new blog. So cheer up kay? Life isnt so boring. We do something for a certain reason. I know reasons could be lame :P

Some reasons i write again:
My mom encourage me to write. She said i have the ability to write good compos. "Although your language and speech is not good, however the way u write is unique and do surpass from the rest." That is what she said. I hope she meant her every word. Coz if she dont, i will feel discouraged. :P
6 years back, she dint praise my compo writing skills, and now when i'm already 18 yrs old, she encourage me again. I guess that's a good thing.
"You know, among your cousins, only you wrote compo a different way. The way u use your words, describe something is interesting. People do like to read them." she added.

I just reply "ya", and "its too late, mom. U shld praise me back then" and a "forget it, mom, i wont write, as i'm too busy wif school".. Despite all these craps, i'm now typing for a post. Moral of the Story: People do not really meant their words sometimes, or rather most of the times.

Guys, tats gd news. Gals are the ones who dont really meant their every word and express themselves through hinting. And expect us guys to catch these hints and play guessing game. Its alot of work..
Alright, its good and bad depends on situations okay? If u wanna whine abt ur girlfriend attitude, "let go" of her then? To love is to accept, if u dont wanna accept yet expect she to love you, you are too DAMN selfish. If u do really love and understand your dear/darlings, hints shouldnt be too hard to catch. So accept it, guessing games do turn out fun. Rules may apply, ask your girlfriend abt it :P

"Kong Zi" is a chinese name for Confucius. So if u ask me "Why Confucius?", i will reply "Very gd question.. i dont know".
It might began with a past experience. I read the analects of Confucius during Sec 4, and manage to memorize a few of the sayings. So i began to use them in conversations starting like "U know.. KongZi says to be or not to be, that's the question". Alrite, i know Shakespears says this kay? Forgive me, I dont take literature.. 0.0
And my friends began to refer to me as "KongZiShuo". Although I do have lots, or enough of nicknames, like West Lee, Westlife, Wrestler, WWF, Wild Wild West etc
Another reason i chose "Confucius Says" is becoz i got a friend who choose "FeiZiShuo" as her blog title. Coz her nickname is "Fei Zi" as "Fei" is her last name. Thus "FeiZiShuo" becomes something like "I Say" in reference to her.

And lastly, ALL THE BEST, do read often. I will write often :)